If you ’ re thinking we ’ re just lucky , or that it was incidental , let me assure , it wasn ’ t . Teenage rebellion is the predictable result of a very predictable pattern , and in this article , I ’ m going to show you that pattern .
Before my husband , Paul , and I had our first child , Jake , I read every parenting book I could get my hands on . I was so sure I had it all figured out . I remember judging the people I knew who had kids , while thinking to myself , “ Well , I ’ m not going to do it like that . That is a hot mess right there !”
Then Jake was born , and clearly , Jake hadn ’ t read the books . Jake wasn ’ t behaving the way the books said he would .
Any parent can relate to feeling lost , overwhelmed , and frustrated about raising your kids . Even reading one hundred parenting books doesn ’ t prepare you for the reality of being a parent .
It feels so hard sometimes , because we have the best of intentions . We want to enjoy our kids , and help them grow into responsible , well-adjusted adults who can confidently navigate life .
The problem is , when we run to the end of our parenting skill sets and don ’ t know what else to do , we turn to the one thing we have that they don ’ t : Leverage .
We ’ re the parent , so we have the power . We ’ re bigger than them , it ’ s our house , and we make the money . We feed them , clothe them , teach them , drive them around , pay for their toys , and all we want is for them to listen to us , be happy , and feel safe talking to us about anything . Again , it ’ s all done with the best of intentions !
If using our leverage to “ get them to ” do what we want doesn ’ t work , or we were raised in an environment where that ’ s how we were parented and we hated it , we try going to the opposite end of the spectrum and let our children have all the power over us .
We don ’ t love that , either , but we think the only alternative is to steamroll them , the way we were steamrolled , and we ’ re sure not going to do that to our kids .
These two methods of parenting are not the only options available to you . Before I reveal your third option – the one Paul and I use , that does not result in teenage rebellion – let me show you more about why these ways of parenting we ’ re all used to aren ’ t working .
What is Demand Parenting ?
There ’ s a relationship dynamic Paul and I teach our students called Demand Relationship ®. It ’ s defined as requiring other people to change , please you , and make you more comfortable before you can be happy .
Inside Demand Relationship there are two roles . One is the power player , who uses things like control , guilt , and shaming to try and get their way . The other role is the non-power player , who resorts to peoplepleasing , submission , and forms of guilt , manipulation , convincing , and other tactics to try and get their way . The non-power player thinks , “ If I do what my partner wants this time , they ’ ll do what I want next time .”
The problem with both of these roles is that one person always feels like they ’ re losing , and guess what ? No one wants to feel like they ’ re always losing , including your kids !
RELATIONSHIPS
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