Hello,
readers!
My name is Richard
De Fino; husband,
father, and
new columnist to
Western New York
Family Magazine.
I am very excited
about this opportunity
to share my
story with you, and
for what I hope
will be a long-running journey with you
and my family.
A few days before I learned about
the open columnist position, my wife
Andrea and I found out that we were
moving back to Western New York from
our time away in the Adirondacks. What
perfect timing it all was I thought —
moving back to the place where I met
my wife and now I would get to write
and talk about our baby and share our
story — a story that, sadly, begins with
infant loss.
I will admit, at first I was a little hesitant
to propose this column to Michele
Miller, editor and publisher of Western
New York Family. Losing our son would
change our lives in a way we could never
imagine. It took a major toll on our
friends and families, too.
We lost Louis, our only child, on
July 28th, 2019. At 22 weeks and 6
days, Andrea went into pre-term labor
and gave birth to Louis at 5:39am; he
wouldn’t survive the morning. I wrote an
essay about it for the April 2020 “Having
A Baby” issue of WNY Family. But,
as tragic as this was for us, there would
be hope in the future! On December 30,
2019, we found out that we’re going to
be parents once again this fall. Cue the
celebration music! Right? Well, maybe
not at first.
The emotions we felt trying to be
happy for our second pregnancy, while
still grieving the first pregnancy, cannot
be put into words. We were filled with
elation and grateful for the news, after
all, we were trying to get pregnant again,
but at the same time, we felt as if we
might be forgetting about Louis. On top
of that, we were actually terrified about
being pregnant again, with our biggest
fear being that we would lose another
baby. After Louis died, it’s safe to say
that we’re on edge and will be for the
duration of her pregnancy.
I remember saying to Andrea, how
strange it felt that we were going to be
parents for a second time, but how we
were essentially going to be learning
everything about raising kids for the
first time. We didn’t have Louis long
enough to actually “parent” him, so this
time around, which would be the second
time, will actually be our first time parenting.
It’s weird when you think about
it. When this initially occurred to me, as
a writer I naturally wanted to document
my experience with this conundrum
of mine and share it with
someone.
In regards to what
I said before about the
two of us not remembering
Louis with
the new baby arriving,
we know that
would never happen.
Yes, we only
had him on earth
for a few hours, but
we’ll always have
our memories of
him from before he
was born. For instance,
I remember when we
named him and when I
felt his first kick.
I remember talking
to him through his
mother’s belly at
night and smiling
at his ultrasound
picture on the wall
in my office at
work. Every morning
I smiled proudly
at his picture at
my desk and said
“Hey Louie” while
answering emails
and taking phone
calls as a Catering and Events Manager
in the Adirondacks.
I do have to say that I feel good
about the outcome of this pregnancy;
nervous for obvious reasons, but definitely
optimistic. We’re trying to remain
in good spirits as we count down the
days till September. Each month I’ll do
my best to keep you updated along the
way; that is of course with Andrea’s maternal-privileges
to a first draft reading.
My goal with this column is to keep
Louis’s memory alive and to try and raise
awareness for perinatal loss. I also want
to capture all the feelings, emotions, and
experiences of being a new dad for the
second time. The anticipation for all the
firsts are overwhelming me in a positive
way; first steps, first words, first hug —
and even the first laugh that he or she
will share with us and the world.
I’m ready for it all, and I would be
honored if you, the reader, would
be there for it, too.
Richard De Fino, a freelance
writer by night, first became a
father at age 34. After losing his
first-born at birth, he was determined
to keep his son’s memory
alive the best way he knew how;
through words. And with another
baby on the way, he plans on capturing
what it means to be a parent
to a rainbow baby. Richard and
his wife, Andrea, live in Western
New York with their memories of
Louis, and their dog Zeke, and
two cats, Bebe and Georgie.
34 WNY Family July 2020