refined. Children who do not learn to respect external authority will not trust
their own internal authority. Such children, being unable to take themselves seriously, say no to themselves in the interests of an inconvenient principle. They
will grow into adults who sacrifice the
good and the right for the expedient.
The solutions to the problems of society begin in the home. What children absorb and make part of their thinking and
behaviour when they are young stays with
them for life. The problems of the world
will not be solved by governments, academics or the United Nations. They will
be solved by ordinary parents who make
the difference between what is right and
wrong uncompromisingly clear in the
home. The success of personal growth depends on you being both willing and able
to be scrupulously honest with yourself,
and exercising authority over your habitual or instinctive drive to act in ways that
are driven purely by self-interest or selfpreservation. This skill begins with being
open and able to accommodate, be moved
by or even yield to other people’s views,
perspectives and interests and to balance
those with your own. Committing to a
discipline that’s challenging and uncomfortable can help to acquire and strengthen your capacity to develop your innate
qualities and personal attributes. At
times, it is important to stand up for your
own views or interests, just as there are
times when you need to be part of a team
and accede to what is in the interests of
the greater good. Submitting to outside
authority regardless of your own view
helps to inculcate this skill.
When faced with dilemmas, children
need to be taught to show empathy and
compassion, as well as have an understanding of the values that are at stake. Making
choices that force us to become bigger and
to go deeper are ennobling and help us to
discover and express our full humanity.
The following examples of choices lead
not only to self-mastery and character
growth, they also inoculate our young
from growing up in relationship hell.
Teach them to care about themselves and
others in ways that others wish to be
cared about. Never be used, or worse, al-
low yourself to use others. Never create
exclusivity with secrets, nor share the secrets entrusted to you. Never pry into or
even think about the secrets of others.
Make social arrangements that are either
intimate or inclusive, never maliciously or
pointedly excluding. Never control who
has access to your friends or stand by
when somebody gets shunned or left out.
If someone threatens a friendship because of another relationship in your life,
align with the targeted person. Never be
responsible for the hurt, humiliation or
shame of another. Look at yourself and
see how your sensitivity has never gone
away. Similarly, the qualities of the perpetrators and their practices practised over
a lifetime never change. Be the dove, not
the hawk. Never bluff yourself about what
is really important.
People are challenged from the earliest
age to make choices in life, to grow from
everyday difficulties and achieve mastery
over the inevitable tests that life presents. The fundamental choice facing every
person is whether to base decisions on
what is convenient and self-serving or follow the harder path of ethics, empathy
and integrity. The selfish path is based on
instinct and the desire for gratification.
This path leads to a destructive and unfulfilled life. The second path leads to resilience, wisdom and a meaningful life.
The second path, which is about expressing your humanity, needs to be taught and
inculcated until you develop the strength
of character and gain experience to be able
to choose the correct path on your own. A
person needs to always consider the effect
of his choices not only on others, but also
on his own development. Ask yourself
whether the easy, convenient choice will
lead to you becoming a mature person or
stand you in good stead later in life. Consider whether the person you will become
through that particular choice is someone
you would choose to employ or marry.
Growing character is like growing muscle. If you do too little by way of exercise
and strain, you become weaker and feebler and ultimately become forced always
to take the easy route. People who put in
more or less the same consistent effort
maintain their current state, never
stretch themselves, and therefore never
really develop and grow. Only those who
push their limits to breaking point develop superlative skill, grace, stamina,
strength and wisdom.
It is because of this principle that when
parents undermine each other, they teach
their children that the more dogmatic or
emphatic parent is right, and that authority is relative to your personal sense of logic
or convenience or the principle of the matter. Parents second-guessing, yes-butting
or plainly contradicting each other’s authority results in children not respecting
either of them or becoming unwilling to
comply with authority in general.
In the home, character growth begins
when fathers treat mothers with respect
and expect the same from their children.
Children should not be allowed to call
each other names, bully or tease each other in the name of “just being kids”. They
should be expected to treat employees
who help in the home with respect. It
means teachers confronting colleagues
who demean, belittle, ridicule, hammer,
exploit or engage in any dehumanising
practices towards children in the name of
education or discipline. It means ending
the conspiracy of adults who protect each
other when they know a member of their
congregation is an abuser and they keep
quiet, especially if the person is a donor,
bigwig or the leader of the congregation.
The behaviour that is witnessed and practised in childhood shapes the character of
the adult formed out of that child.
Educating children from the earliest
age about equality and the inestimable
value of every human being is the responsibility of every adult who is in a position
to influence children. This requires 365
days of activism in the home, schools and
places of worship. Every person every day
witnesses some form of dehumanising
practice. Every person therefore has the
power to be an ac ѥ٥