MYTHBUSTER
BOBBA MAASEH OR GENUINE JUDAISM
You may now
SEE THE BRIDE
Absence makes the heart grow fonder
THAT LAST WEEK BEFORE A WEDDING IS A BLUR OF CHAOS, NERVES AND
excitement. Collect overseas relatives at the airport. Confirm
the seating plan. Send final numbers to the caterer. SMS the
photographer. Adrenalin! The bride may well have her final
dress fitting during that week, but it will usually be without
her groom. And the groom composes his speech, but he’s usually alone. The widespread Ashkenazi practice of keeping bride
and groom apart during that week (or some portion thereof)
actually makes sense. Between the last-minute chaos and
frayed nerves, the soon-to-be newlyweds will arrive happier at
their big day if they can keep their outbursts from each other.
Ah, but if they can’t see each other they can’t have one big family Shabbos before the wedding. And what if the bride wants to
attend her fiancé’s aufruf? Couples often wonder if this week of
separation really is a Jewish practice. You won’t
find it in the Torah or the Talmud, which makes
people wonder who made it up. Many non-Jews
believe it’s bad luck for a groom to see his bride
in her wedding dress before the nuptials. Could
our community have adapted some European
folklore for our marriage rites?
Centuries back, Anglo-Saxon marriages were
little more than a business deal. His dad would
propose the match, hers would name a dowry,
they would haggle and eventually clink glasses
to the health of their future grandchildren. Parents didn’t want
the couple to meet before the wedding in case they wouldn’t like
each other, which would scuttle the deal. Google claims this is
the origin of not seeing the bride before the wedding. That may
be true for other populations, but not for Jews. The Torah forbids a couple to marry without meeting in person and forbids
you to marry someone you don’t like. “Arranged marriages” in
Judaism still required the couple to meet before they would
commit. After their engagement, though, a young man would
typically only next see his betrothed under the chuppah. The
Talmud doesn’t discuss a couple not seeing each other before
the wedding, probably because they likely would not have seen
each other at all after the engagement. Later, when Jewish couples began to get together after their engagement as well, they
kept these visits to a minimum, and reserved intimate moments for after the chuppah.
Judaism also advises people to lower their profile ahead of a
significant simcha. Times of blessing and joy are also times
when a person is more susceptible to jealousy and negative energy. In Worms, Jewish brides and grooms would not visit a
cemetery for a full month bef