Jewish Life Digital Edition January 2014 | Page 28

WIT & WISDOM

BON MOTS AND RIB TICKLERS

WIT

Jack is getting more and more worried about his wife
Sharon’s aggressive behaviour towards him. So today he
decides to see Dr Levy.
“How can I help you, Jack?” asks Dr Levy.
“It’s not about me, doctor,” replies Jack. “It’s Sharon. I just
don’t know how to handle her anymore. Every time I’m
with her, Sharon seems to lose her temper for no reason
at all – and it’s beginning to scare me.”
“Don’t worry Jack,” says Dr Levy. “You’ll be pleased to hear that curing such behaviour
is now no longer difficult.”
“So what medicine are you going to prescribe for her?” asks Jack.
“I don’t need to prescribe medicine for her,” replies Dr Levy. “Whenever you think
Sharon is beginning to lose her temper, just drink some water. But don’t swallow it –
just swish it around in your mouth. And keep swishing it around until Sharon calms
down or leaves the room.”
“Thank you doctor,” says Jack. “I will try it as soon as I get back home.”
Ten days later, Jack books another appointment to see Dr Levy.
“So, how is Sharon’s temper problem?” asks Dr Levy.
“Your cure really works, doctor,” replies Jack. “I’ve been swishing water every time
Sharon starts to get aggressive, and she’s now almost normal. I can’t thank you
enough, doctor. But do tell me, how can a plain glass of water work so well?”
“I must be honest with you Jack,” replies Dr Levy, “the water itself does absolutely
nothing. It’s you keeping your mouth shut that is the solution.”

Look Who’s Not Talking
Moishe, always a nervous type, had begun to worry about almost everything in his old
age, especially his health. One day, he bumped into his doctor at the supermarket.
“Doctor!” Moishe exclaimed. “I’ve been meaning to tell you, remember those voices I
kept on hearing in my head? I haven’t heard them in over a week!”
“Wow! What wonderful news Moishe! I’m so happy for you!” his doctor exclaimed.
“Wonderful?” asked a dismal looking Moishe. “There’s nothing wonderful about it.
I’m afraid my hearing is starting to go now!”

PICTURE PERFECT
Bubbie Baila was taking
her new granddaughter
for a walk, when her
neighbour Sadie came
over and peeked into the
stroller.
“Wow, is she cute!” gushed
Sadie.
“This is nothing,” said
Bubbie Baila with a wave
of her hand. “You should
see the photos!”
24 JEWISH LIFE

ISSUE 69

Scared
Stiff
Zelig was riding in a cab in downtown
Brooklyn when he leaned over and
gently tapped the driver on the shoulder
to get his attention. The driver screamed,
lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus,
drove up over the curb and stopped just
inches from a large plate glass window.
For a few moments, everything was
silent in the cab. Then the shaking driver
said, “Are you okay? I’m so sorry, but you
scared the daylights out of me.”
Badly shaken, Zelig apologised to the
driver and said, “I didn’t realise that a
mere tap on the shoulder would startle
someone so badly.”
“It’s not your fault,” replied the cab
driver. “This is my first day driving a cab.
Up till now I’ve been driving a hearse.”

IT WOULDN’T BE RIGHT
Aryeh was struggling with his maths
homework.
After a while, he turned to his father and
said, “Abba, can you help me?”
His father said, “I could. But it wouldn’t
be right, would it?”
“Probably not,” said Aryeh, “but you
could at least give it a try.”

TRUE CONFESSIONS

Peter, John and Chaim Yankel were colleagues working in the same
office. After work one day they decided to go to a bar to socialise. After a
few rounds of drinks, Peter suggested that they all admit something that
they have never admitted to anyone before.
“Okay,” says John, “You know Alfred in accounting. Every morning when
he goes to the restroom, I take some money from the petty cash drawer
in his desk.”
Peter confesses, “You know that marketing presentation I made last
month that got me a raise? I just downloaded it off the Internet. I totally
stole it!”
“What about you Chaim Yankel?” asks John.
Chaim Yankel begins, “I don’t know how to tell you...”
“Don’t be shy,” says Peter.
“Well,” says Chaim Yankel, “for the life of me, I just can’t keep secrets.”

TEXT: COMPILED BY LIZ SAMUELS; PHOTOGRAPHS: BIGSTOCKPHOTO; ALL-FREE-DOWNLOAD

BE QUIET!