Jewish Life Digital Edition February 2013 | Page 28

BON MOTS AND RIB TICKLERS

WIT & WISDOM

WIT
FUTURE IN-LAWS

GO FETCH
Horowitz buys a dog, trains him, and invites his friend
Epstein over to see him. As soon as Epstein enters the
house, Horowitz points to a newspaper on the floor
and tells the dog, “Fetch!” The dog climbs on the couch
and wags his tail. Then he starts to frown, and looking
up at Horowitz, he says, “Let me tell you, you think it’s
easy being a dog, wagging my tail all the time, acting
friendly to get your attention, and eating that dreck
that you feed me? And walking me twice a day – you
really think that’s enough?” Epstein is stunned. He’s
never seen anything like it. “This is unbelievable.
Absolutely amazing. Your dog can talk! You told him to
fetch the newspaper, and here he is, sitting on the couch,
talking to us like a regular person!”
“I know,” says Horowitz apologetically. “He’s not fully
trained yet. He thought I said ‘kvetch’!”

I HAD A DREAM A CHASSID COMES TO SEE HIS
RABBI: “REBBE, I HAD A DREAM THAT I WAS THE LEADER OF 300 CHASSIDIM.
WHAT SHOULD I DO?” THE RABBI REPLIES, “COME BACK WHEN 300 CHASSIDIM
HAVE A DREAM THAT YOU ARE THEIR LEADER.”

On the short flight between Melbourne
and Sydney, a young Jew found he had
been seated next to a middle-aged Jew,
and when he realised that he’d forgotten
his watch, he turned to the man seated
next to him and asked him the time. The
man sniffed, adjusted his yarmulka, and
continued to read his newspaper – and
thus ignored the man and his question
for the remainder of the flight. As the
plane touched down in Sydney, the
middle-aged man turned to the younger
man and said, “It’s 3:20pm.”
“Thanks,” the younger man replied,
“But tell me please, why wouldn’t you
answer me before?”
“Well, you know how things are.
We would have started talking,
and because we’re both Jewish, I’d be
obligated to invite you for dinner, and
I happen to have a very pretty young
daughter, and you could fall in love and
get married... and frankly, I don’t want a
son-in-law who can’t even afford to buy
a watch!”

HEAR NO EVIL

HINDSIGHT
“Mazel tov Moshe,” said the groom’s uncle. “I’m sure you’ll
look back on this day and remember it as the happiest day
of your life.”
“But uncle,” replied
Moshe. “I’m not
getting married until
tomorrow.”
“Exactly,” replied the uncle.

26 JEWISH LIFE

ISSUE 59

IN PLAIN ENGLISH
Marvin Sapperstein went to the doctor
because he was concerned about his
lessening level of energy. He told his doctor
that he wasn’t able to do all the things
around the house that he used to do. When
the examination was complete, Marvin said,
“Now, doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain
English what is wrong with me.”
“Well, in plain English,” the doctor replied,
“you’re just lazy.”
“Okay,” said Marvin. “Now give me the
medical term so I can tell my wife.”
TEXT: COMPILED BY LIZ SAMUELS

Old Morty Zimmerman had serious hearing
problems for years. He went to the doctor and the
doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of
hearing aids, which miraculously allowed Morty to
hear again – perfectly. Morty went back a month later to the
doctor and the doctor said, “Your hearing function is near 100%. Your family
must be really pleased that you can hear again.”
Morty replied, “Oh, I haven’t told my family yet. I just sit around and listen
to their conversations. I’ve changed my will three times!”