GOT ISSUES? SERENNE CAN HELP EMAIL: [email protected]
DEAR SERENNE
y school has just chosen
prefects and I was so sure
I’d be one, but wasn’t. I’m totally
devastated and feel all the effort I’ve
put into trying to achieve at school
has been a waste. Now my best friend
has been selected, and is being so
weird about it, getting off on bossing
everyone, and seems to have like
really changed. He seems to think his
new blazer entitles him to throw his
weight around. He even told me to
wear the right shoes to school in the
future and that made me mad. Why
was he deserving and not me?
Fuming
PHOTOGRAPH: BIGSTOCKPHOTO.COM; (PORTRAIT): SUPPLIED
M
Dear Fuming
You feel overlooked and marginalised in not being
chosen for a position of leadership and that brings with
it feelings of hurt, anger and disappointment. This is
amplified by your best friend getting the title of prefect,
leaving you struggling with your own adequacy and
wondering why he is considered more deserving than
you. What’s more, your friend appears to be exploiting
or even abusing his newfound power to intimidate and
laud his status over others, including you. The distribution of power in the
friendship has altered, making you question your safety within it.
The idea of successful leadership and what makes a leader effective has
been studied at length in modern times. But it’s from our ancient Torah that
leadership concepts can be learned. Rabbi Laurence Perez recently wrote
about the idea of “servant leadership”, explaining how Moshe Rabbeinu
embodied a brand of selflessness which was all about ‘achdut’ – unity,
brotherhood and togetherness for the greater good. In contrast, history has
no shortage of examples of leaders who placed their personal agendas and
egos first, reminding us of how power in the wrong hands can go awry.
It seems to me that your friend has not integrated the new role that’s been
awarded to him, and perhaps still needs to be guided as to how best to use his
title wisely and with humility. At a school level, this is not always an easy role to
slip into seamlessly, and it would be my hope that he receives feedback on this
from those who appointed him.
GOOD LEADERS USE THEIR POSITION TO INFLUENCE
RATHER THAN COMMAND AUTHORITY, AND HAVE THE
ABILITY TO SET THEIR PERSONAL EGO ASIDE IN ORDER
TO HARNESS THE BEST IN OTHERS.
Good leaders use their position to influence rather than command authority, and have
the ability to set their personal ego aside in order to harness the best in others. For the natural
leader, it’s not about feeling better than or more superior to others. Perhaps your friend, in his
term as prefect, has still to learn this. You could assist this process by sharing with your friend how you are
experiencing his behaviour and attitude, but not in a confrontational way that could be mistaken by him as a
case of ‘sour grapes’.
As far as you go, I’m not sure how you went about ‘canvassing’ for prefectship, but it’s also a Torah concept that one
should not actively seek out honour, but let honour find him. Being recognised at school is just one small slice of life and
there are countless individuals who may not have received accolades then, but who go on to achieve great things in their
communities, workplace or in society as a whole. We are dished up many disappointments throughout our lives, so don’t
be discouraged. Continue to strive, refine yourself and be the best you can be, not allowing awards or titles to define who
you are, but instead investing in your self-development.
I can assure you that this will serve you well as matric and your school years come and go and you enter the wider world,
leaving your own unique and meaningful mark.
GOOD LUCK!
Serenne Kaplan is a clinical psychologist in private practice. She has three children, two of whom are teenagers.
JEWISH LIFE QISSUE 87 61