WIT & WISDOM
BON MOTS AND RIB TICKLERS
WIT
NACHES IN FLIGHT
Michael O’Brien, an executive at a hi-tech company, had just
finished a gruelling business trip when he sat down in his airplane
seat ready for a much deserved rest. But, before he could close his
eyes, his seatmate settled in and introduced herself. “Hi! My name is
Suri Tabachnik. It’s so nice to meet you! I’m flying to New York for my
grandson’s third birthday – it’s his upsherin. That’s his first haircut. I’m
so excited! I remember when he was just a little cutie pie and now he’s
already three! It’s really hard to believe. He’s the most adorable thing
you’ve ever seen! You know what? Hold on, I think I might have a picture
of my little bubbaleh. Let me take a look in my purse, yes, here it is, just
look at him, isn’t he adorable. Do you see his dimple on his left cheek?
Oy! Simply adorable! I could just stare at his picture all day. Oy, and you
should hear him on the phone! He is just the cutest, he says to me in the cutest
voice ‘Hi Bubbie!’ It just gets me all teary eyed.”
After what seemed like hours for poor Michael O’Brien, Suri seemed to realise
that perhaps she was talking a bit too much. “You know, I feel terrible! Here
I am just talking and talking without letting you get in a word edgewise! Tell
me…what do you think about my grandson?”
Who Am I?
SOMETHING FISHY
One day a gorilla escaped from the zoo, prompting a huge
search of the district and appeals on radio, television and in
the newspapers.
He was finally discovered a few days later in the city library,
where zoo officials found him sitting at a desk in the reading
room with two books spread out in front of him.
The gorilla was deep in concentration. One book was the Bible; the other was
written by Charles Darwin.
The zookeepers asked the gorilla what he was doing. The gorilla replied: “I’m
trying to figure out whether I am my brother’s keeper or my keeper’s brother.”
A customer at Green’s Gourmet Grocery marvelled at the
proprietor’s quick wit and intelligence. “Tell me, Green, what makes
you so smart?”
“I wouldn’t share my secret with just anyone,” Green replies,
lowering his voice so the other shoppers won’t hear. “But, since
you’re a good and faithful customer, I’ll let you in on it. Fish
heads. You eat enough of them, you’ll be positively brilliant.”
“You sell them here?” the customer asks.
“Only $4 apiece,” says Green.
The customer buys three. A week later, he’s back in the store
complaining that the fish heads were disgusting and he isn’t
any smarter.
“You didn’t eat enough,” says Green. The customer goes home with
20 more fish heads. Two weeks later, he’s back and this time he’s
really angry.
“Hey, Green,” he says, “You’re selling me fish heads for $4 each, when I
just found out I can buy the whole fish for $2. You’re ripping me off!”
“You see?” says Green. “You’re smarter already.”
24 JEWISH LIFE
ISSUE 72
SO LONG, FAREWELL
Rabbi Epstein was ready for a new challenge,
and soon enough he got a job in another city.
The shul had a going away party for him at
which everyone thanked him and his wife for
their service.
As he was saying his final farewells, Ethel
Goldenberg approached him and said, “Rabbi
Epstein, I know your successor won’t be as
good as you.”
“Nonsense,” said Rabbi Epstein, in a flattered
tone.
“No, really,” said the old lady, “I’ve been here
under five different rabbis, and each new one
has been worse than the last.”
TEXT: COMPILED BY LIZ SAMUELS; PHOTOGRAPHS: BIGSTOCKPHOTO; ALL-FREE-DOWNLOAD; VECTOR.ME
SATAN IS IN SHUL
A few minutes before the Kol Nidre service
is scheduled to begin, and just as the shul’s
congregation is sitting quietly waiting,
G-d’s prosecutorial angel – Satan himself
– suddenly appears. Instantly there is total
panic. Members begin running towards the
exits screaming. Many are trampled on as they
fall in their frantic effort to escape. And within
minutes, the shul is empty – empty, that is,
except for Moishe, a grey-haired 75-year-old
man who remains sitting calmly in his seat.
Moishe seems totally unaware of Satan’s
presence. Satan, seeing that Moishe is the
only one remaining in the shul, walks over to
Moishe, and in a booming voice says, “Do you
know who I am?”
And in the standard Yiddish manner, Moishe
replies, “Do you know who I am?”
“You should fear me like the others do,” says
Satan. “Aren’t you afraid of me?”
“No, certainly not” replies Moishe.
“But surely you realise what I can do to you, in
an instant, without even a word being said?”
says Satan.
“So, nu already, be my guest,” replies Moishe
calmly.
“But don’t you know that if I want to, I can
cause you unbelievably, horrifying agony?”
asks Satan.
“Big deal,” replies Moishe calmly.
“And you still say that you’re not afraid of me?”
asks Satan.
“No way,” replies