and shame, to recognize these
feelings and face them. They are real
emotions. It’s also necessary to
understand that you are not alone.
In 2007, I suffered a series of severe
panic attacks which led to the
diagnoses of post-traumatic stress
disorder, along with panic and
anxiety. This diagnosis led me on a
step by step quest to find answers to
the many questions I had regarding
my past, choices I made, and things
that had happened to me. I slowly
began to recognize patterns in my
life:
1. Always taking responsibility for
others choices, behaviors, and
feelings.
2. Putting things under the rug;
never confronting.
3. Ignoring red flags in
relationships.
It took time for me to sort through
the puzzle pieces of my life and begin
to see the patterns I was in and why.
This process wasn’t about blaming
anyone or becoming a victim.
In order to move forward in a
positive way I had to accept and
acknowledge certain things in my
life, whether they were about me or
someone else.
There were several areas in my past
that I had to confront and one of the
hardest was my past choice of
abortion. I have had three abortions.
My first abortion happened when I
was fifteen years old. At the time I
had recently moved in with my
mother and step father after living
with my father and step mother since
my parents divorce when I was five
years old. My mother insisted I have
an abortion, if I chose not to, I would
have to go back to my father’s house
and tell him. I felt trapped as neither
option was something I wanted.
The second abortion happened when
I was eighteen years old. I was
married and within six months of our
wedding, I made the decision to get
pregnant. I was battling guilt and
shame over my earlier abortion and I
thought having a baby would soften
my husband and end the emotional,
physical, and verbal abuse that
plagued my marriage. I was wrong. I
was faced once again with doing
what others wanted me to do, in
spite of what I wanted.
My third abortion came several years
later after my husband left and
wanted a divorce. I was a single mom
raising our five year old daughter. I
found myself falling back into codependent behaviors. The moment I
realized I was pregnant, I was
gripped with fear of the
consequences of being labelled as an
unfit mother and set the
appointment. But as I sat in the
doctor’s office awaiting my turn I felt
the immense weight of guilt and
shame, wondering, “how did I get
here?”
JASMINE'S PLACE
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