DUMBEST
Of course they ’ re Yankees fans . In a nod to baseball fashion , three different perps in Yankees caps conducted a mini crime wave in less than a month , one stealing a car in West Warwick , one shoplifting $ 2,000 + in computer products from Target , and one involved in a laundromat theft in Cranston .
Sorry , wrong number . Ronald J . Resmini ’ s law office was back in court suing a Florida man to recover the $ 35,000 they paid him for a vanity phone number he didn ’ t actually own . Turns out that at the time , the number , 444-4444 , belonged to Rhode Island Hospital .
We told you not to drink and drive . Scituate police arrested a Foster man for DUI , after finding him still in his truck , stuck in an inground swimming pool on Central Pike . Cops reported a smell of burning rubber around the pool , suggesting the twenty-two-year-old had gunned the gas in a fruitless effort to free the pickup . They said it would take an industrial crane to rescue it .
“ We all scream for ice cream ” isn ’ t literal , people ! Brickley ’ s Ice Cream announced it was closing its Wakefield location after customers repeatedly verbally abused and swore at young employees who ’ d asked them to wear masks .
Survey says … Rhode Islanders park themselves in front of the tube forty-two hours a week . We ’ re also the second worst state for surviving a zombie apocalypse … which may explain why we ’ re the third most agitated in the country . On a brighter note , one in five of us considers shopping to be a form of exercise .
We can ’ t even top this list ? According to WalletHub , Rhode Island is the second worst state for driving .
We ’ re all ears ! The state division of taxation accidentally mailed out 176 tax refund checks signed by state treasurer Mickey Mouse .
From the helpful hint department . State environmental officials warned residents not to plant unsolicited packages of seeds , apparently originating in China . More than fifty Rhode Islanders reported receiving the mysterious shipments in the mail .
What ’ s left ? Locusts ? Never mind , forget we asked . Three inches of snow fell in parts of the state the day before Halloween . Nine days later , we had a 3.6 magnitude earthquake .
�Quotables
“ What they did last week was pathetic . If you don ’ t know what you ’ re doing , don ’ t do anything .”
Onetime Warwick landscaper Steve Campanelli , after a city public works crew mowed down part of the $ 1.2 million in ornamental plantings in an effort to tidy up the neglected Apponaug Circulator .
42 RHODE ISLAND MONTHLY l JANUARY 2021