January 2019 Issue #25 January 2019 Issue #25

Sexual Resolution #1: Integrate Your Sexual Self A lot of us think about our lives and our sex lives as being separate but related. One happens in the context of the other. Like Matryoshka dolls. Sex is some- thing for the bedroom. It’s something that you get to have and enjoy somewhere between our 20s and 40s but magically disappears before and after. That’s cer- tainly the image of sex we see reflected back at us from the media and in what- ever sex education we might receive. But our sex lives are our lives. As Anna Freud once wrote, “Sex is something you do, sexuality is something you are.” We can no more separate out our sex- ual selves than we could our spiritual selves or intellectual selves. Although many of us try our best to do just that. This first resolution doesn’t require action, only attention and intention. Try to pay attention to the place of sexuality in your daily life. Whether that’s how a fleeting sexual thought appears in response to something you might not expect, or how having or not having sex influences how you feel the rest of the day, or week, or month. The intention, not to sound too flakey, is to welcome your sex- ual self – your thoughts, feelings, desires, you body, and your sexual activities – into your whole life and awareness. More about integrating your sexual self. Sexual Resolution #2: Speak Your Sexual Mind This resolution is not a call for you to become a sexual bull in the proverbial china store. Given most communities multiple taboos about speaking in public about certain kinds of sexuality it isn’t always safe or respectful to speak pre- cisely what’s on your sexual mind at the moment it comes to you. But most of us are raised with some level of shame about sex, and most of us stay silent when it comes to speaking honestly and directly about our sexual thoughts or more broadly about sexual justice. Sometimes this is a survival mechanism. But for any of us who have at least one person in our lives we can trust, there will be some opportunities to share more of our sexual minds. Whether it’s telling a partner you love to be spanked, or telling a spouse about a painful time in our sexual past; whether it’s telling a parent or a colleague that we don’t plan on getting married because we like having multiple partners, or telling a best friend that you’ve always wanted them in a less than platonic way, in the new year, consider the ways you might be able to give voice to the thousands of sexual thoughts you have each day, and experience some of the awesome and empowering results of speaking your sexual mind. More ideas on talking about sex. 81

January 2019 Issue #25 January 2019 Issue #25 | Page 81