CHAPTER XXXI 455
wonder at the goodness of God ; the generosity of my friends ; the bounty of my lot . I do not repine ."
" But you feel solitude an oppression ? The little house there behind you is dark and empty ."
" I have hardly had time yet to enjoy a sense of tranquillity , much less to grow impatient under one of loneliness ."
" Very well ; I hope you feel the content you express : at any rate , your good sense will tell you that it is too soon yet to yield to the vacillating fears of Lot ' s wife . What you had left before I saw you , of course I do not know ; but I counsel you to resist firmly every temptation which would incline you to look back : pursue your present career steadily , for some months at least ."
" It is what I mean to do ," I answered . St . John continued -
" It is hard work to control the workings of inclination and turn the bent of nature ; but that it may be done , I know from experience . God has given us , in a measure , the power to make our own fate ; and when our energies seem to demand a sustenance they cannot get -- when our will strains after a path we may not follow -- we need neither starve from inanition , nor stand still in despair : we have but to seek another nourishment for the mind , as strong as the forbidden food it longed to taste -- and perhaps purer ; and to hew out for the adventurous foot a road as direct and broad as the one Fortune has blocked up against us , if rougher than it .
" A year ago I was myself intensely miserable , because I thought I had made a mistake in entering the ministry : its uniform duties wearied me to death . I burnt for the more active life of the world -- for the more exciting toils of a literary career -- for the destiny of an artist , author , orator ; anything rather than that of a priest : yes , the heart of a politician , of a soldier , of a votary of glory , a lover of renown , a luster after power , beat under my curate ' s surplice . I considered ; my life was so wretched , it must be changed , or I must die . After a season of darkness and struggling , light broke and relief fell : my cramped existence all at once spread out to a plain without bounds