CHAPTER XXX 444
to force -- compressed , condensed , controlled . The heart was thrilled , the mind astonished , by the power of the preacher : neither were softened . Throughout there was a strange bitterness ; an absence of consolatory gentleness ; stern allusions to Calvinistic doctrines -- election , predestination , reprobation -- were frequent ; and each reference to these points sounded like a sentence pronounced for doom . When he had done , instead of feeling better , calmer , more enlightened by his discourse , I experienced an inexpressible sadness ; for it seemed to me -- I know not whether equally so to others -- that the eloquence to which I had been listening had sprung from a depth where lay turbid dregs of disappointment -- where moved troubling impulses of insatiate yearnings and disquieting aspirations . I was sure St . John Rivers -- pure-lived , conscientious , zealous as he was -- had not yet found that peace of God which passeth all understanding : he had no more found it , I thought , than had I with my concealed and racking regrets for my broken idol and lost elysium -- regrets to which I have latterly avoided referring , but which possessed me and tyrannised over me ruthlessly .
Meantime a month was gone . Diana and Mary were soon to leave Moor House , and return to the far different life and scene which awaited them , as governesses in a large , fashionable , south-of-England city , where each held a situation in families by whose wealthy and haughty members they were regarded only as humble dependants , and who neither knew nor sought out their innate excellences , and appreciated only their acquired accomplishments as they appreciated the skill of their cook or the taste of their waiting-woman . Mr . St . John had said nothing to me yet about the employment he had promised to obtain for me ; yet it became urgent that I should have a vocation of some kind . One morning , being left alone with him a few minutes in the parlour , I ventured to approach the window-recess -- which his table , chair , and desk consecrated as a kind of study -- and I was going to speak , though not very well knowing in what words to frame my inquiry -- for it is at all times difficult to break the ice of reserve glassing over such natures as his -- when he saved me the trouble by being the first to commence a dialogue .
Looking up as I drew near -- " You have a question to ask of me ?" he said .