CHAPTER XVIII 233
high tone of sentiment ; but she did not know the sensations of sympathy and pity ; tenderness and truth were not in her . Too often she betrayed this , by the undue vent she gave to a spiteful antipathy she had conceived against little Adele : pushing her away with some contumelious epithet if she happened to approach her ; sometimes ordering her from the room , and always treating her with coldness and acrimony . Other eyes besides mine watched these manifestations of character -- watched them closely , keenly , shrewdly . Yes ; the future bridegroom , Mr . Rochester himself , exercised over his intended a ceaseless surveillance ; and it was from this sagacity -- this guardedness of his -- this perfect , clear consciousness of his fair one ' s defects -- this obvious absence of passion in his sentiments towards her , that my ever-torturing pain arose .
I saw he was going to marry her , for family , perhaps political reasons , because her rank and connections suited him ; I felt he had not given her his love , and that her qualifications were ill adapted to win from him that treasure . This was the point -- this was where the nerve was touched and teased -- this was where the fever was sustained and fed : SHE COULD NOT CHARM HIM .
If she had managed the victory at once , and he had yielded and sincerely laid his heart at her feet , I should have covered my face , turned to the wall , and ( figuratively ) have died to them . If Miss Ingram had been a good and noble woman , endowed with force , fervour , kindness , sense , I should have had one vital struggle with two tigers -- jealousy and despair : then , my heart torn out and devoured , I should have admired her -- acknowledged her excellence , and been quiet for the rest of my days : and the more absolute her superiority , the deeper would have been my admiration -- the more truly tranquil my quiescence . But as matters really stood , to watch Miss Ingram ' s efforts at fascinating Mr . Rochester , to witness their repeated failure -- herself unconscious that they did fail ; vainly fancying that each shaft launched hit the mark , and infatuatedly pluming herself on success , when her pride and self-complacency repelled further and further what she wished to allure -- to witness THIS , was to be at once under ceaseless excitation and ruthless restraint .