CHAPTERX107
subjecttowhichIlongedtorecur,byaprolongedeffusionofsmalltalk.HowIwishedsleepwouldsilenceher.Itseemedasif,couldIbutgobacktotheideawhichhadlastenteredmymindasIstoodatthewindow,someinventivesuggestionwouldriseformyrelief.
MissGrycesnoredatlast;shewasaheavyWelshwoman,andtillnowherhabitualnasalstrainshadneverbeenregardedbymeinanyotherlightthanasanuisance;to-nightIhailedthefirstdeepnoteswithsatisfaction;Iwasdebarrassedofinterruption;myhalf-effacedthoughtinstantlyrevived.
"Anewservitude!Thereissomethinginthat,"Isoliloquised(mentally,beitunderstood;Ididnottalkaloud),"Iknowthereis,becauseitdoesnotsoundtoosweet;itisnotlikesuchwordsasLiberty,Excitement,Enjoyment:delightfulsoundstruly;butnomorethansoundsforme;andsohollowandfleetingthatitismerewasteoftimetolistentothem.ButServitude!Thatmustbematteroffact.Anyonemayserve:Ihaveservedhereeightyears;nowallIwantistoserveelsewhere.CanInotgetsomuchofmyownwill?Isnotthethingfeasible?Yes--yes--theendisnotsodifficult;ifIhadonlyabrainactiveenoughtoferretoutthemeansofattainingit."
Isatupinbedbywayofarousingthissaidbrain:itwasachillynight;Icoveredmyshoulderswithashawl,andthenIproceededTOTHINKagainwithallmymight.
"WhatdoIwant?Anewplace,inanewhouse,amongstnewfaces,undernewcircumstances:Iwantthisbecauseitisofnousewantinganythingbetter.Howdopeopledotogetanewplace?Theyapplytofriends,Isuppose:Ihavenofriends.Therearemanyotherswhohavenofriends,whomustlookaboutforthemselvesandbetheirownhelpers;andwhatistheirresource?"
Icouldnottell:nothingansweredme;Ithenorderedmybraintofindaresponse,andquickly.Itworkedandworkedfaster:Ifeltthepulsesthrobinmyheadandtemples;butfornearlyanhouritworkedinchaos;andnoresultcameofitsefforts.Feverishwithvainlabour,Igotupandtookaturn