CHAPTER X 107
subject to which I longed to recur , by a prolonged effusion of small talk . How I wished sleep would silence her . It seemed as if , could I but go back to the idea which had last entered my mind as I stood at the window , some inventive suggestion would rise for my relief .
Miss Gryce snored at last ; she was a heavy Welshwoman , and till now her habitual nasal strains had never been regarded by me in any other light than as a nuisance ; to-night I hailed the first deep notes with satisfaction ; I was debarrassed of interruption ; my half-effaced thought instantly revived .
" A new servitude ! There is something in that ," I soliloquised ( mentally , be it understood ; I did not talk aloud ), " I know there is , because it does not sound too sweet ; it is not like such words as Liberty , Excitement , Enjoyment : delightful sounds truly ; but no more than sounds for me ; and so hollow and fleeting that it is mere waste of time to listen to them . But Servitude ! That must be matter of fact . Any one may serve : I have served here eight years ; now all I want is to serve elsewhere . Can I not get so much of my own will ? Is not the thing feasible ? Yes -- yes -- the end is not so difficult ; if I had only a brain active enough to ferret out the means of attaining it ."
I sat up in bed by way of arousing this said brain : it was a chilly night ; I covered my shoulders with a shawl , and then I proceeded TO THINK again with all my might .
" What do I want ? A new place , in a new house , amongst new faces , under new circumstances : I want this because it is of no use wanting anything better . How do people do to get a new place ? They apply to friends , I suppose : I have no friends . There are many others who have no friends , who must look about for themselves and be their own helpers ; and what is their resource ?"
I could not tell : nothing answered me ; I then ordered my brain to find a response , and quickly . It worked and worked faster : I felt the pulses throb in my head and temples ; but for nearly an hour it worked in chaos ; and no result came of its efforts . Feverish with vain labour , I got up and took a turn