How to( re) connect with your teenager in a world of social media
by Dr Elyse Waites, Deputy Head Pastoral Sydenham High School GDST
Beyond the focus on social media and masculinity, the recent Netflix drama Adolescence pushed me to question how we can ensure that the young people in our care are able to feel belonging and connection, the lack of which resulted in the protagonist searching online for meaning and validation.
Children look to the adults in their lives for guidance on how to navigate and react to difficult and emotional situations; absorbing our values and approaches. However, controlling the narrative of external influences in the digital age is near impossible. Gordon Neufeld and Gabor Mate write in‘ Hold Onto Your Kids’ – social media is addictive because it exploits the drive for reassurance: Do I matter? Do I belong? Am I loved?
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A social media ban would not remove the root cause of why young people search for meaning online.
As an educator of 20 years, I can categorically say that building connections is the single most important thing you can do to gain trust, give meaning and develop positive relationships with young people. They need to feel secure, seen and heard. When your teenager wanders into the kitchen at 10pm citing hunger as their reason for being downstairs, grab this opportunity. Whether they know it or not, they are seeking some form of connection.
Clear boundaries at home around mobile phone use, social media and screen time are incredibly important; encouraging balance with in-person connection. Boundaries should reflect your values as a family, and allowing children to be part of the narrative gives them a sense of control, building that crucial self esteem.
Visit Sydenham High School GDST to discover more about its award-winning pastoral care: bit. ly / VisitSHS
At Sydenham High we promote being kind, supportive and respectful to others, and ensure that all our pupils are known and understood.
Triangulation between school, home and child is crucial for building positive connections, holding firm boundaries and establishing trust. Being actively involved at all stages of your child’ s development, being curious about what they are doing at school and online, being brave about asking important questions and being supportive when they make mistakes are all part of this development.
Top tips for parents
Try pro active conversation starters at home; listen without judgement or criticism, empathise with how difficult it is to be a teenager today, and let them know it is normal to be anxious and insecure sometimes:
• Where do you feel you belong the most?
• What does it feel like to belong?
• Which subjects / activities give you a sense of belonging? Why and where does that come from?
• Which groups are you part of – or do you look to – that give you a sense of belonging and pride? Why is that?
• Are there any teachers in your life whom you trust?
• Where do you find belonging online? How does that work?
• Who are your role models- who influences you in the online space? What’ s that like – and how is that similar or different to people who are role models for you in real life?
• How do you help other people feel that they belong?