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Reward effort rather than outcome
The message you want to send is that you respect hard work . Praising kids for following through when things get difficult , for making a sustained effort , and for trying things they ’ re not sure they can do successfully can all help teach them the pleasure of pushing themselves . Praise for good results that come easily can make kids feel they shouldn ’ t have to exert themselves .
Help them see the big picture
For older kids who have developed an understanding of delayed gratification , sometimes simple reminders of their long-term goals can help push them . It can help many secondary school students who slack off after getting into college to remind them that they could lose their place if their grades drop too much , or they might not be prepared for college courses . Essentially , linking school up with their long-term goals can make working towards them feel more personally fulfilling .
Let them make mistakes
Not many students can get As on every test or a perfect score on every piece of coursework . While kids need encouragement , and it ’ s healthy to push them to try their best , know that setbacks are natural . Sometimes the only way kids learn how to properly prepare for school is by finding out what happens when they ’ re unprepared .
Get outside help
One way to take a little tension away from your relationship with your child is to find an older student ( either at their school or a nearby college ) to help them out with work . Most will charge pretty low rates , and the fact that they ’ re closer to your child ’ s age may make it more likely they ’ ll listen to what they say . This is particularly useful for parents with whom homework has become a source of conflict between them and their child as kids will generally behave a lot better with a slightly older peer ; it ’ s money well spent if it ensures less arguments and therefore less stress .
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Know when to push your child
The most important factor in knowing when and how much to push is to carefully consider your child ’ s personality . Particularly when it comes to pushing them to do extracurricular activities , consider your child ’ s strengths and interests , and have them be part of the conversation about what might be fun to do outside of school . Perhaps you think they have too much screen time and want them to be more socially engaged or physically active . If they ’ re not into sports , however , then pushing them into team sports may be counterproductive ; other activities like a coding club or cooking class may be more appealing while still hitting some of the social markers you ’ re looking for in an activity .
If you are meeting resistance , then it might be time to examine your own motivations for pushing your kid in a certain direction – is it in their best interest , or is it something you ’ re doing for yourself ? Often our own childhood experiences greatly impact how we parent , so we want our kids to avoid the mistakes we ’ ve made and if we think they we ’ d have been more successful had we done better in school or participated in a sport more heavily , the chances are that we ’ ll try and push our kids in that direction . Similarly , if parents have great memories of something from their youth , they may try to push their kids to do the same thing , whether it ’ s joining the football team or writing for the school newspaper .
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It ’ s key to remember that the things that motivate us might not necessarily motivate them , so find out what makes them tick and build on that .
Get support for yourself
It can be just as frustrating to watch your child withdraw from school as it can be difficult for the kid themself to focus , and parents of children who struggle at school can end up feeing judged . Some schools have support groups for parents of kids who are less motivated , and if your child ’ s school doesn ’ t , consider setting one up . It ’ s always very comforting to hear that you ’ re not alone , and it ’ s particularly helpful to hear people who have gone ahead of you talk about how to navigate the school ’ s system and talk to teachers .
If you ’ re feeling yourself getting angry or frustrated with your kids , take a step back and put things into context . It ’ s also important to keep your goals in perspective : your child may not become a star pupil , and that ’ s OK . Be sure to focus on the effort they put in and the commitment they show instead of the outcome . If you expect perfect achievement from a child who struggles in school , you ’ ll drive yourself mad and possibly push them away – it ’ s essential not to try to get your child to be someone they ’ re not , and instead to help them reach their potential .
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Make the teacher your ally |
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Another one of the most important things you can do for your child is to work with their teacher . The teacher might have additional insight about how to motivate your child or what they might be struggling with . Likewise , you can share any strategies or information that you have . If , for example , you child has ADHD or struggles with concentration over longer periods , call the teacher , introduce yourself , alert them to your child ’ s particular difficulties and share any little tips that you have found to be useful at home . A handy tool recommended by psychologists is to use a daily report card . With this gentle system , the child gets points from their teacher for things like completing work and following directions the first time they get them . Then they bring those points home , where their parents give them small rewards , such as extra time on the iPad or playing a game together . |
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