HEALTH + WELLNESS
BEREAVEMENT AND LOSS
IF YOU ’ VE EVER LOST ANYONE THAT YOU LOVE AND MISS DEEPLY , THE CHANCES ARE YOU ’ VE DISCOVERED THAT GRIEF CAN BE A VERY LONELY EXPERIENCE . IT ’ S A PERSONAL AND INDIVIDUAL PROCESS WHICH COMES IN STAGES OR WAVES WHICH OTHER PEOPLE MIGHT NOT UNDERSTAND . BY TINA WALKER
You may have heard of the various stages of grief , the first stage is known as denial . It can be very hard to face our own death or that of a loved one . After all , it ' s a huge shock , even when expected . We can feel devastating heartache , feel bereft and utter despair .
Countless thoughts can run through our minds “ this can ’ t be true , they must have it wrong ” or “ he / she was fine yesterday ”. There can be a desperate need or want for a second opinion or simply point blank refusing to listen to the bad news , desperate for this to be an awful mistake or nightmare . Sleep , if it happens , can bring brief respite . Then there are those few seconds when you wake up in the morning and you ‘ forget ’. This can lead to the second stage , anger .
Anger at who though ? Anger at them for leaving us ? Anger for not listening when it was suggested they go to see the GP or keep a hospital appointment . Anger that they ’ ve been reckless , anger that they ’ ve left us behind in a mess , or anger at ourselves for ‘ not doing more ’. It really is a huge mix of emotions which can be terribly frightening and overwhelming . The third stage of grief is bargaining . This can happen when we start to plead to various Gods or faiths . Pleading for another chance for our loved ones to be ok .
The fourth stage is depression . This is when the reality of life after losing someone takes hold . It can feel overwhelming and too difficult to manage without our loved ones . It can seem impossible to ever imagine feeling happy or at peace again . This is the time when you really need to be kind to yourself . Listen to your feelings , sit with the grief . Deal with it anyway you can , there is no right or wrong way . Ask friends for help and try not to isolate yourself . If you are that friend , check up on your grieving friend . Make time for them and just be there to listen . Be prepared to listen to their story of loss . Loss isn ’ t just about death , it ’ s also about losing their plans , hopes and dreams they had made for the future , either with or for their loved ones .
Eventually , we reach the final stage which is acceptance . Life becomes more manageable and it ’ s possible to remember the life of a loved one with fond memories and celebrate their life . You may even mark the anniversary of their passing by visiting their favourite places , eating their favourite food or raising a glass to them . Music can be incredibly therapeutic . Listening to their favourite songs might help you through the grieving experience .
Eventually it gets easier . The gaps between sadness become wider . There is no time frame to this as I mentioned before , it ’ s an entirely individual process . The amount of love you had for the person you lost doesn ’ t disappear . You continue to feel it but this time it ’ s painful . It ’ s important to acknowledge how you feel and sit with these feelings , as painful as they may be .
The impact of grief is immense , it will rear its head not just on anniversaries but also when you least expect it . It will come and walk alongside you as you learn to adjust to your new life , which you will .
Tina Walker is a BACP registered counsellor . She works from her private practice in Meopham and is also an experienced bereavement counsellor who has worked as a volunteer counsellor at the elenor hospice in Northfleet .
tinalouisewalker @ aol . com 07885 693173 www . counselling-directory . org . uk / counsellors / tina-walker
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