19th hole
to the amount one is used to playing golf for.
I’m talking anything from a $10 KENO ticket
and upwards. Remember this year’s Players
Championship when former World Numero
Uno, Martin Kaymer was battling his way back
from the golfing abyss? He stood on that tee
knowing if he could avoid about 10 zillion
mega-litres of H2O by landing his nut on 20
square-feet of green, he was going to win 1.8
million bucks and relaunch his career. And it’s
not as if you can drop your ball somewhere
that offers you a safe chip and run. If you
dunk your fist attempt, you just have to keep
hitting until one of your shots stays dry!
Larry Canning
[email protected]
Y
ou know how people who write stuff in
magazines, always throw in their “Wish
List” at the beginning of each year?
Well, I’m breaking all the rules in this month’s
Inside Golf. Yes folks, I’m turning the tables on
traditional golf publications and coming up
with “Things I don’t want to happen to me.”
And I’m doing it in August. Here we go!
My anus would be that tight, I’d have to get
my caddy to tee my ball up. The next time I
needed to perform a bodily function, I would
need to summon the SES to perform an
emergency surgery using the Jaws of Life! I
guarantee, by the time I had one on dry land,
all the grandstands would be removed and
the greenkeeper would be cutting the green.
I’d probably hit the mower and bounce back
in the drink!
1. I don’t want to go to a casino with John Daly.
Not so much because I wouldn’t have a good
time or have the odd imported beer shouted
for me but I would come out of that place with
no money, no shirt, house, wife, teeth (I would
have lost those to the croupier right after I told
him he was a cheat), golf clubs (they would be
sitting with the prizes at the chocolate wheel),
my last two Viagra tablets would now be
owned by the drug lord on the blackjack table
and what’s left of my hair would now belong
to the bald-headed barman.
2. For the sake of my self-respect, I definitely
would not need to interview American upstart
Patrick Reed. He might be popular with his
mates and family but if I hear him say, one
more time, how bloody good he is, I will have
to take a swipe at him. The problem here is
that that’s exactly what it would be, “A Swipe”.
There’s a very large chance that my right hook
would make contact with nothing more than
fresh air. I have lost every stoush I’ve ever
I
attempted–which isn’t that many, mind you.
Whilst I have a pretty good looking stance and
I can fake a mean hard-arse facial expression,
my reflexes are about as sharp as a Koala after
a night out on the gum leaves with his mates.
3. I wouldn’t want to have to play the 17th hole
at TPC Sawgrass when there is a ludicrous
amount of money on the line. I guess the
term “ludicrous amount of money” is relative
4. Finally, I would never want to play golf
with Jim Furyk. I pride myself on having
an orthodox, almost pleasant looking golf
swing, that has taken me years and millions
of unearned prizemoney dollars to perfect.
If I played with Jim, I know he would beat
the living daylights out of me with an action
resembling an Orang-utan peeing on an
electric fence. By the time we finished the
back nine, I would have booked my surgeon
to have all my hair removed, half my body
weight liposuctioned and two extra elbows
implanted in each arm.
As always, I enjoy any feedback from my
readers, particularly when it agrees with me,
so please send me some.
See you next month! •
The quick nine quiz
With David Newbery
[email protected]
1. ow many Australians have won the US
H
PGA Championship?
2. hat is the name of the trophy
W
presented to the winner of the US PGA
Championship?
3. ow much prizemoney, in US dollars, is on
H
offer at this year’s US PGA Championship?
4. ho was the leading Australian at last
W
year’s US PGA Championship – Adam
Scott, Jason Day or John Senden?
5. ho was the last player to win the US PGA
W
Championship in successive years?
H
6. ow many times did the great Jack
Nicklaus win the US PGA Championship?
W
7. ho will take his place in this year’s US
PGA Championship field after winning the
Senior US PGA Championship – Bernhard
Langer, Colin Montgomerie, Fred Couples
or Kenny Perry?
W
8. hat is the lowest 18-hole score ever
recorded at the US PGA Championship –
61, 62, 63 or 64?
S
9. outhern Hills Country Club has hosted
the most frequent number of US PGA
Championship. How many?
AN