CHARACTER EDUCATION
• Listen with more than the ears. Pay attention to the speaker’ s body language, what is not being said or is only partially said, and notice any inconsistencies between verbal and non-verbal messages.
• Avoid interrupting. It is tempting to rehearse what we may say in response and interrupt in case we forget. By doing this, however, the focus is no longer on the speaker, so we should be patient and not prematurely cut the speaker off with questions, comments, or corrections.
• Let the speaker know we are listening through our verbal responses. We can do this using skills such as paraphrasing( putting in our own words the message the speaker is trying to communicate), reflecting( expressing what the speaker has said in their own words and reflecting back the content and feelings associated with the message), and summarising( concisely bringing together what the speaker has said to ensure accuracy of the main messages).
• Let the speaker know we are listening through our non-verbal responses. As far as possible, we should remain neutral and calm in outward appearance( even if we do not feel it) and be aware of how our non-verbal cues may suggest judgements, as this may affect the speaker’ s emotions and willingness to continue sharing. Positive examples include smiling, nodding, and making eye contact.
• Listen to ourselves and how we might feel in the speaker’ s situation. It is vital that we do this, however, from the speaker’ s frame of reference, not ours. We should be cautious too about sharing our own‘ similar’ experiences, as we risk invalidating, undermining, or devaluing their experiences by doing so.
• Avoid solving the speaker’ s problem in our head. We cannot do this and listen to the speaker simultaneously, and we should allow the speaker the dignity of making their own decisions and not take the problem from them. Giving unsolicited advice can also act as a significant barrier to listening and it is often not what people want when choosing to share things.
By actively listening to others, working hard to understand their frame of reference, and asking effective questions, we can create an environment where the speaker feels safe and listened to. Many of us like to believe that we are good listeners, but it is important to recognise that we are not always the best judge of this, as we rarely have access to knowledge on how our listening skills impact the thoughts, feelings, and emotions of other people. In the Johari window model( Figure 1), negative behaviours we exhibit when listening and responding could represent one of our‘ blind spots’, and thus only honest feedback from others can help us with this. Our self-awareness can also be raised by completing empathy or listening 1 questionnaires. Regardless of how we obtain feedback on our empathic and listening skills, it is important to note that both can be improved with practice, and I believe that they are vital not only for the effective teacher, but for developing stronger, healthier, and deeper relationships in our lives.
Known to Others
Unknown to Others
Known to Self
OPEN AREA
HIDDEN AREA
Figure 1: The Johari window model( Luft and Ingham, 1955)
Unknown to Self
BLIND SPOT
UNKNOWN
1
E. g. Toronto Empathy Questionnaire( TEQ)( psychology-tools. com); How Good Are Your Listening Skills? – From MindTools. com
Empathy questionnaire: https:// psychology-tools. com / test / toronto-empathy-questionnaire
Listening questionnaire: https:// www. mindtools. com / pages / article / listening-quiz. htm
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