INDUSTRY INSIGHT
FUNERAL HOME
SPONSORED CONTENT
A Time to Say Goodbye
C
an you imagine a wedding without a bride and groom?
Picture a birthday party without the birthday girl?
Visualize a graduation without the graduate? There is
another event where many are choosing to not have
the guest of honor present—the funeral.
Many people are choosing direct disposition with no service
or memorial. I hear people say, “I don’t want anybody staring at
me when I’m dead.” Please understand that what you want and
what your family needs may be totally different. To help resolve
grief, your family may need the opportunity to see you one final
time to say goodbye.
We had a family come to the funeral home and bring a
nephew of the deceased. He was maybe 6 or 7 years old. He
marched in and asked me, “Where is she?” I told him we would
wait for the rest of his family to come in, then I would take him
for the opportunity to go say goodbye to his aunt. He walked in
and said, “Yep, that’s my Aunt Cookie.” He needed that time to
internalize that his aunt had really died.
“When I die, just cremate me.” Almost all of us have been to a
graveside service with a clergyman, priest or rabbi reciting words
passed on through generations. The casket resting on framework
of metal and fabric straps. People gathered to pay heed and
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remember. But ask
how many have been
to a crematory and
very few will tell you
they have. Why is
there this disconnect
between the ground
and the burning?
Cremation is
an honorable and
historical means of
human disposition. It is amazing that so many choose cremation
when they know so little about it. “As a people, we have
thoroughly distanced from the fire itself and all its metaphors
and meaning, its religious and ritual significance as a station in
our pilgrimage of faith,” wrote Thomas Lynch, funeral director
and author.
When people select to do nothing, they are surprised when
nothing happens. The time was not given for the last goodbye.
No one calls, sends a card, brings over food, no one remembers.
Nothing. Later, people ask how Mom is doing and you have to
say, “Mom died six months ago.” That person exclaims, “What
happened? How did she die?” The topic becomes not about how
she lived; it becomes about how she died.
It is very difficult to deal with grief and loss alone. People need
other people. Many people try to work around their grief instead
of through it. Society offers us a chance at properly saying
goodbye through the funeral. “Grief is the last act of love we
have to give to those we loved. Where there is great grief, there
was great love.” Taking our dead to their final place is our greatest
fear as well as our greatest responsibility to show that love. A
wise minister said during a funeral service, “We would rather be
any place else, but there is no other place we can be.”
Some of you might think that this is just self-promotion
because of what I do. Honestly, that plays a small role. Again, this
plays into the concept of working through your grief instead of
around it. I am not telling you to have two full days of viewing
with an expensive casket, an expensive burial vault, flowers, dove
releases, etc. No matter what, these things are all incidental. Set
aside a brief period of time to say goodbye. If people come, they
come. If they don’t, they don’t. The time was offered. Families
who choose a simple service lasting a short period of time are
often surprised by the response and outpouring of love.
Society does not often offer safe opportunities to express
high emotions. The funeral is that opportunity. Use that time to
properly say goodbye.
This Industry Insight was written by Frank Perman,
FD, Supervisor, CFSP, CPC, CCO, CFC. He is the owner
of Perman Funeral Home and Cremation Services Inc.,
923 Saxonburg Boulevard at Rt. 8 in Shaler Township.
Mr. Perman believes an educated consumer makes the
most personal, affordable and memorable decisions.
Inquiries may be made to him at 412.486.3600 or
emailed to [email protected].
412-486-3600
SHALER ❘ SUMMER 2019
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