INDUSTRY INSIGHT
CHILDREN AND
THE FUNERAL
FUNERAL HOME
SPONSORED CONTENT
Should they even be there?
Y
es, absolutely! Just as for an adult, the funeral can be the
first occasion for helping facilitate the grieving process for
children. Don’t let your own fears dictate theirs.
Should children attend a visitation at the funeral home or attend
funeral services?
It depends. You can ask them if they are of age. Their answer may
surprise you. If they say yes, take them to the funeral home for a
close family member.
The presence of children can be great comfort to survivors.
Likewise, other survivors may help children feel that they are not
alone. It is best not to force them to attend if they choose not to go.
Don’t force them to “say goodbye” or “give Pap-Pap a kiss.” This can be
traumatizing and leave a lasting, negative impact with the child that
can follow into adulthood.
The lack of available care may necessitate children going to the
funeral. If they are not comfortable, find a quiet area for them to sit
while you pay your respects. Have a quiet activity to keep them busy;
most children should be fine for a short period of time.
If children do not know the deceased’s family or never met them, it
may not be appropriate for them to attend.
To help parents, it may be best to classify children by their
chronological age and stage of development.
Children under 3 have limited understanding and even more
limited attention spans. They can get antsy in 15 to 20 minutes. If a
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Frank Perman, Supervisor, CFSP, CPC, CCO, CFC
412-486-3600 www.permanfuneralhome.com
923 Saxonburg Blvd, at Route 8, Shaler Township across from Eat ‘n Park
child becomes upset or angry, remove the child from the situation. If
they are asleep, let them sleep.
Children ages 4 to 9 usually have a better understanding of a
death. Their presence at the funeral home is appreciated. Attention
spans are longer but not for hours. Take along a travel activity pack,
which may contain games, homework, or a book. There is often free
WiFi for online activities.
We had a family with a 4-year-old nephew come to the funeral
home. He stood with his hands on his hips and stated, “Well? Where
is she?” He marched up to the casket, stood on the prayer kneeler,
looked at his aunt and loudly proclaimed, “Yep, she’s dead!” His blunt
honesty and assessment broke the silence of the family into laughter.
Tension was gone in a moment. Kids can do that so naturally and
unassumingly, with no ill will intended.
Children ages 10 and older should be well-behaved. They can
attend visitations and services. Get them involved in the funeral.
They can be an honorary pall bearer, help greet guests, and tell
stories about their loved one. Sometimes, however, they too become
bored and agitated at the funeral home; just as for the younger
children, have books, homework and games for them.
Use your good judgment about your own child. The funeral home
is a place of high emotions. A child should not become the focus for
those at the funeral home. Remove distracting and unruly children
from the funeral home if necessary.
The presence of children brings solace to the survivors and is a
source of inspiration. I have seen a surviving grandparent pick up
and tightly hug a grandchild, almost pulling strength and inspiration
from the child. Children can also be a source of needed levity in an
emotionally tense time.
The gift of presence is wonderful especially when brought out by
a child.
This Industry Insight was written by Frank Perman, FD,
Supervisor, CFSP, CPC, CCO, CFC. He is the owner of Perman
Funeral Home and Cremation Services Inc., 923 Saxonburg
Boulevard at Rt. 8 in Shaler Township. Mr. Perman believes
an educated consumer makes the most personal, affordable
and memorable decisions. Inquiries may be made to him at
412.486.3600 or emailed to [email protected].
SHALER ❘ SPRING 2020
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