INDUSTRY INSIGHT
FUNERAL SERVICES
SPONSORED CONTENT
The Second Year
“ And grief is not something you complete But rather you endure Grief is not a task to finish And move on But an element of yourself An alteration of your being A new way of seeing A new definition of self .”
– Gwen Flowers
Some grief experts talk about how the first year after the death of someone close is the most difficult . More people than you would expect have told me that the roughest time for them has been the second year . What is the disconnection between the “ experts ” and the survivors ?
That magic one year-mark does not cure the hurt . It ’ s still there . Some have said it is worse because friends and family “ expect ” you to have moved on with life . The survivor also expects to have made some progress of healing : “ Why don ’ t I feel better ?”“ What ’ s the matter with me ?”
Our own expectations are a huge part of the equation . Do you recall when a movie or show or the meal at that new fancy restaurant didn ’ t live up to expectations ? There is disappointment . The same thing happens with the expectation of grief healing . Remember to be gentle with yourself . Sometimes you also have to be firm with others so that their expectations of you don ’ t become your own expectations . Set realistic goals and expectations .
In grief , there is no right or wrong . Everyone deals with each death differently . For many , the first year is the year of numbness . That grief has been described as like being caught in a riptide . People feel the crashing waves of grief and the fear of no escape . Logic and reason can get lost in grief .
Not only is there numbness but interruptions . Lots of them . Bills need to be paid , the estate is handled , and meetings with the attorney , insurance agent and the accountant happen . The survivor ’ s estate needs reviewed and planned . Then come the firsts after a death – birthday , anniversary , holidays . They all seem never-ending . Survivors sometimes expect that if they navigate those , the sailing should be smoother .
As the second anniversary of the death comes around , many financial and estate issues have been settled . There is no one else to acknowledge . There are fewer things to do .
There is now time to seek out the new identity . Who do I become ? How do I become ? Why do I become ? What will I do financially ? What if someone new wants to date me ? Where does faith fit in ? In the moments of silence , the loss gets internalized . We do not know what we lost until it is lost .
Life continues to change without a partner , child , sibling or parent . Introspection , silence and solitude become more of the norm . The question now becomes , “ So , what do I do now ?” Some thrive in their survival . Others have feelings of abandonment by the person who died and by family and friends .
For those new to the grief of a death , this message is that your journey will not be a clean , linear path to healing and righteous grief . Things may progress slowly . There may be a really good period of time passing . There will be a setback . Then the progress begins again .
What is left are memories . Those memories help us to establish the importance of our loss .
“ In time , memories become our most precious possession . The ones that hurt the most become the ones we never tire of telling .” – Doug Manning
This Industry Insight was written by Frank Perman , FD , Supervisor , CFSP , CPC , CCO , CFC . He is the owner of Perman Funeral Home and Cremation Services Inc ., 923 Saxonburg Boulevard at Rt . 8 in Shaler Township . Mr . Perman believes an educated consumer makes the most personal , affordable and memorable decisions . Inquiries may be made to him at 412.486.3600 or emailed to frank @ permanfuneralhome . com .
12 724.942.0940 TO ADVERTISE | Shaler