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What People Regret Most— And What They’ re Grateful For
There are moments I have seen over and over. A son wishing he had called more. A daughter wishing she had said“ I love you” one last time. A spouse whispering,“ I thought we had more time.” After years of witnessing these moments, I’ ve learned something powerful about regret— and gratitude.
When people reflect on a life that has ended, they almost never talk about money, job titles, or accomplishments. Instead, they talk about relationships. Time. Love. Presence.
One of the most common regrets I hear is simple and universal:“ I wish I’ d spent more time with the people I love.”
Not more time working. Not more time chasing success. Just more unhurried, meaningful time— showing up, listening, being fully present.
Another regret surfaces again and again:“ I wish I had said what I felt.” Words left unspoken. Gratitude never expressed. Apologies never offered. Love assumed, but not clearly stated.
We convince ourselves there will be another opportunity. Another holiday. Another conversation. But time moves quietly, and often faster than we expect.
People also regret letting pride or small misunderstandings create distance. I’ ve heard countless versions of,“ We stopped talking over something that didn’ t really matter.” In hindsight, very little seems worth the cost of a broken relationship.
Yet alongside regret, there is deep and beautiful gratitude. I learned that in a very personal way when my own father died. Before he died, I thanked Dad for being my dad. In the days that followed, I found myself saying“ Thank you” over and over again. I thanked my mother for loving him so faithfully. I thanked my father’ s friends for showing up. I thanked the chef who prepared and delivered his last meal. I thanked my friends who carried me. I thanked my mother’ s friends who carried her. I thanked clergy from different denominations who helped lead the service. I thanked Dan, who flew in from Los Angeles, sang“ His Eye is on the
Sparrow” at the Mass, and flew home the same day. I thanked everyone. Because in that moment, I understood something clearly: gratitude grows where love has already been lived. When a life has been shared generously, it does not end in isolation. It ends surrounded by people who were touched by it.
Families rarely speak about grand achievements or expensive possessions. Instead, they cherish ordinary moments made extraordinary by love— family dinners, car rides, inside jokes, shared traditions, quiet
talks at the kitchen table. These simple rituals become the memories that matter most.
At the end of life, influence is rarely measured by status. It’ s measured by impact: Who did I help? Who did I encourage? Who did I love well?
Perhaps the greatest comfort of all comes from knowing that love was expressed while there was still time— that“ I love you,”“ Thank you,” and“ I’ m proud of you” were spoken clearly and often. When love has been shared openly, grief is still painful, but it is softened by peace rather than shadowed by regret.
If there is a lesson in all of this, it may be simple: our greatest legacy is not what we accumulate, but how we make people feel.
We all get busy. We all get distracted. But maybe the most important question we can ask ourselves is this: If today were my last day, would the people I love know how much they matter to me? Regret grows in silence. Gratitude grows in presence. And while we cannot change yesterday, we can live today in a way that leaves fewer regrets— and far more gratitude.
With my Dad
This Industry Insight was written by Frank Perman, FD, Supervisor, CFSP, CPC, CCO, CFC. He is the owner of Perman Funeral Home and Cremation Services Inc., 923 Saxonburg Boulevard at Rt. 8 in Shaler Township. Mr. Perman believes an educated consumer makes the most informed decisions. Inquiries may be made to him at 412.486.3600 or emailed to frank @ permanfuneralhome. com.
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