INDUSTRY INSIGHT
D
FUNERAL SERVICES
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The Mentionable Funeral
eath is often a taboo subject in the United States. People
tend to avoid and run from the topic. Many times dying is
considered an unmentionable subject. There are actually
people who will read the first couple of lines of this article
and stop because of the subject. Let’s face it: no one wants to die.
Yet death has a 100% occurrence rate among the living. I am really
not sure how the death phobia started within our society. In many
other cultures death is accepted and understood to be an inevitable
part of life. Families and communities are intimately involved in the
care for the dead. Because of the phobia, people tend to view death
as a very uncomfortable situation, especially in the United States.
Hopefully, if you are reading this today, we can help you make a shift
in your thinking.
As death became more taboo and unmentionable in society, we
have seen certain troubling trends within funeral service. These
trends are basically eliminating any type of funeral service or way
to say goodbye. Many people are opting for direct dispositions and
are avoiding any type of service. It is an avoidance—they think, “If
we don’t have a funeral, we will not feel worse.” What I find is people
are not valuing the funeral and the psychological importance of
saying goodbye.
To be honest, I certainly think the funeral directors from years
past are partially to blame for this. The older
generation many times disregarded
families who did not want more
services. It was more about
collecting the necessary information
and authorizations and moving on.
They could have done a better job
at listening to how people felt and
what was important to them. Another
major factor is our disconnect with
feelings. We have been a society that
tends to avoid things that make us feel
sad or uncomfortable. From childhood
on, many children are kept from things that make
them sad. They don’t learn how to cope with or
accept death. Since we do not teach the value of
coping and how to work through those feelings,
as adults many people shy away from them.
Learning to make death mentionable and to
value saying goodbye is very difficult. However,
we find that when people value the impact and acknowledge the
passing of a life that was meaningful, they are able to better adjust to
the life in which the person is not present. This can be accomplished
by simply talking. Talk to your family and friends about what is
important to you now so they don’t need to guess later. Accept that
life is finite and understand that someday your family and friends will
want to say goodbye. The action of saying goodbye will actually help
them adjust. Not wanting a funeral because it is sad and depressing
is missing the point. A funeral is 50% about the deceased and 50%
about the living. I will admit they can be difficult, but they help the
survivors in living through their grief.
What is a good funeral? This really is dependent on the family.
A good funeral can be one that includes a viewing or not. It can
include burial or cremation options. A good funeral doesn’t have to
be complicated—it can be simple. The costs of a good funeral can be
dependent upon how elaborate or simple you want it. A funeral can
include traditions of your faith or a simple embrace for your family
and friends. It is up to funeral directors to open up their ears and listen
to what families want and not dismiss the value of simplicity.
We work our hardest at being good listeners for families—to
understand how we can help them see value in saying goodbye, to
help families identify new options and work to make services happen,
even if they say, “This request might be a little strange.” If
it is important to you, it is important to us.
Let me leave you with this quote from Fred Rogers:
“Anything that’s human is mentionable, and anything
that is mentionable can be more manageable. When
we can talk about our feelings, they become less
overwhelming, less upsetting, and less scary. The
people we trust with that important talk can help us
know that we are not alone.”
If you have questions about us or our
services, please feel free to call or find us
on Facebook. You can also learn more
about our family and services by visiting:
www.sperlingfuneral.com
Sperling Funeral Home, Inc.
700 Blazier Dr. • Wexford, PA 15090
Jarett D. Sperling, Supervisor
724.933.9200
NORTH ALLEGHENY
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WINTER 2019
23