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very year around this time I write about grieving during the
holidays. I do so because I understand that there are families
that for the first time will be experiencing the holidays without
someone they love. For many of them it is a gapping hole in their lives.
One that can never be filled or replaced. What I want to focus on this
year is more the ways I see people grieving through the holidays. The
paths in which people manage to survive the season.
I say survive because for many it is just that, survival. It is very
difficult for them to find that same joy and happiness without the
person they love. When you are in holiday survival mode your goal
tends to be just make it to January 2. I have found the people grieving
this way tend to either isolate themselves or do the bare minimum
with family and friends. When they do it is more about pretending to
be fine. They really only engage to make those same family and friends
feel better. What I find interesting is that when a survivalist gets to
holiday season two they tend not to remember holiday season one
and what they did. It is all just a blur.
Another group of grievers are the ones that are along for the ride.
Like many that are grieving they feel alone and being alone is too
painful. So they usually tag along with family and friends and just
engage to avoid being alone. Often times they come back and report
they may have felt uncomfortable so they
just quietly sat in the room
and kept to themselves. It is
much like a dance for them.
They want to talk about the
person who died, but feel
that it could be too painful to
others or themselves. We do a
pretty bad job of recognizing
the validity of grief in our
society and this group just
wants to be around people and
not rock the boat. The worst part
of the holidays for them is going
home to an empty or quiet house.
Then we have the embracer group. The
embracers are the ones that want to make
sure that the memory of their loved one
stays front and center. They are hurting
just as bad as everyone else, but because
they talk about and share memories,
others feel they are doing well. To them
it is more about no one ever forgetting
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the person that they loved is forgotten. It is interesting to watch how
family members who are uncomfortable with grief react to this style
of grieving. Many times they will back away because it makes them
uncomfortable.
Lastly I see a group of remembers. The rememberers are very
interesting group. They tend to see loss differently. They are so
appreciative and thankful for the years and memories that they want
to share quietly and engage in holiday gatherings just like they have in
previous years. They make no changes, keep everything the same and
share with one another that thankfulness.
When I decided to write this I was worried that people would
instantly classify themselves or others into these groups. They might
not fit one of these groups. That is not the purpose. Grieving any of
these ways is 100% right. Remember there is NO wrong way to grieve.
My goal is to bring awareness to people that we all grieve differently
and to be patient, not just with yourself but others around you who
are grieving. People will always ask me for advice on what to do or how
to help someone “get over a person.” My advice is pretty simple. We will
never get “over” a loss, but we can go through it and heal over time,
while still remembering. Recognize and respect the decision of those
grieving. If they don’t want to engage, it’s okay. If they want
to be active and share, let them. The best way to help is to
be a good listener, try not to give an opinion or advice and
just be present.
Know that there is help in our community for people
who are grieving. A complete list of resources can be found
on our web site at www.sperlingfuneral.com
Jarett Sperling is the owner and funeral director at
Sperling Funeral Home. He is also licensed professional
counselor focusing on mourning and grief topics. He is
available to speak to community groups about these
topics that he is passionate about. He can be reached at
724.933.9200
If you have questions about us or our
services, please feel free to call or find us
on Facebook. You can also learn more
about our family and services by visiting:
www.sperlingfuneral.com
Sperling Funeral Home, Inc.
700 Blazier Dr. • Wexford, PA 15090
Jarett D. Sperling, Supervisor
724.933.9200
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