INDUSTRY INSIGHT
FUNERAL SERVICES
SPONSORED CONTENT
The Second Year
“And grief is not something you complete
But rather you endure
Grief is not a task to finish
And move on
But an element of yourself
An alteration of your being
A new way of seeing
A new definition of self.”
– Gwen Flowers
S
ome grief experts talk about how the first year after
the death of someone close is the most difficult. More
people than you would expect have told me that the
roughest time for them has been the second year. What is the
disconnection between the “experts” and the survivors?
That magic one year-mark does not cure the hurt. It’s still
there. Some have said it is worse because friends and family
“expect” you to have moved on with life. The survivor also
expects to have made some progress of healing: “Why don’t I
feel better?” “What’s the matter with me?”
Our own expectations are a huge part of the equation.
Do you recall when a movie or show or the meal at that
new fancy restaurant didn’t live up to expectations? There
is disappointment. The same thing happens with the
expectation of grief healing. Remember to be gentle with
yourself. Sometimes you also have to be firm with others
so that their expectations of you don’t become your own
expectations. Set realistic goals and expectations.
In grief, there is no right or wrong. Everyone deals with
each death differently. For many, the first year is the year of
numbness. That grief has been described as like being caught
in a riptide. People feel the crashing waves of grief and the
fear of no escape. Logic and reason can get lost in grief.
Not only is there numbness but interruptions. Lots of them.
Bills need to be paid, the estate is handled, and meetings with
the attorney, insurance agent and the accountant happen.
The survivor’s estate needs reviewed and planned. Then
come the firsts after a death–birthday, anniversary, holidays.
They all seem never-ending. Survivors sometimes expect that
if they navigate those, the sailing should be smoother.
As the second anniversary of the death comes around,
many financial and estate issues have been settled. There is
no one else to acknowledge. There are fewer things to do.
There is now time to seek out the new identity. Who do I
become? How do I become? Why do I become? What will I do
financially? What if someone new wants to date me? Where
does faith fit in? In the moments of silence, the loss gets
internalized. We do not know what we lost until it is lost.
Life continues to change without a partner, child, sibling
or parent. Introspection, silence and solitude become more
of the norm. The question now becomes, “So, what do I do
now?” Some thrive in their survival. Others have feelings of
abandonment by the person who died and by family and
friends.
For those new to the grief of a death, this message is that
your journey will not be a clean, linear path to healing and
righteous grief. Things may progress slowly. There may be a
really good period of time passing. There will be a setback.
Then the progress begins again.
What is left are memories. Those memories help us to
establish the importance of our loss.
“In time, memories become our most
precious possession. The ones that hurt
the most become the ones we never tire
of telling.”
– Doug Manning
This Industry Insight was written by Frank Perman,
FD, Supervisor, CFSP, CPC, CCO, CFC. He is the owner of
Perman Funeral Home and Cremation Services Inc., 923
Saxonburg Boulevard at Rt. 8 in Shaler Township. Mr.
Perman believes an educated consumer makes the most
personal, affordable and memorable decisions. Inquiries
may be made to him at 412.486.3600 or emailed to
[email protected].
Hampton | Fall 2017 | icmags.com 13