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ing of military-academy click tracks
wreathed with his neighborly, conversa-
tional rapping that’s never aggressive or
threatening. Which makes it all the scarier
when you pick up on the dark thoughts
he’s putting down. And you can hear him
lose control in real time. Like Eddie Brock
wrestling with that demanding alien sym-
biote in Marvel Comics’ book and movie
Venom, the auteur starts out on Reaper defi-
ant, full of piss and vinegar in “Hopes Up”
(featuring Dashboard Confessional),
“Black Heart,” “Clarity in Kerosene,” and
“Funeral Fantasy,” wherein he imagines a
you’ll-be-sorry-when-gone scenario at his
hometown mortuary. But on the following
Ruiner — with every track ending in ‘er,’
you can feel the constrictor coiling around
him, tightening, tightening, from the
falsetto optimism of “Reminiscer” through
the problem-noticing “Better” and the title
cut, which first broaches suicide as a viable
solution. And the difficulties — and pres-
sure — just keep mounting for the poor
kid, who can only fight back with his
music. And after all, he did dub his discs
with ghoulish titles like Reaper. “I’ve
always been an overthinker, and I think
that’s where my anxiety comes from. And
overthinking your own mortality just goes
with all that,” he observes.
“The worst part of it was for four or five
months there, I couldn’t even go to the gro-
cery store,” the singer says. “I had a panic
attack every single day. It was pure hell.”
But he also saw it as a teachable moment,
and was open to gleaning positive insights
from pure terror. “And I guess the main
thing I learned about myself is that I am
not my feelings, and that feelings aren’t
26 illinoisentertainer.com
january
2019
facts. I learned that you can be the observ-
er of your own emotions, so I don’t say
that I’m anxious — I say that I’m feeling
anxious. And I learned a lot of that from
my meditation practice, which is really
helpful for me. Because sometimes when
you’re in it, it feels like there’s no escape.
But through mindfulness, I’ve found that
there are ways to sidestep it and get bet-
ter.” He understands that suffering often
set the stage for some compelling art (or at
least some snide Venom-versus-human
verbal conflict). “And it’s sad, but true,” he
allows. “But in buddhism, the Dharma is
your special, unique set of skills and how
you use them. And for me, that’s music. So
I would much rather not have to go
through what I’m going through. But I get
to create these things that people get to lis-
ten to, and maybe they’ll realize that
they’re not alone. That there is something
worthwhile, waiting for them out there.”
Someone recently posited that there are
three types of people in the world — Seers;
Those who can see only when they are
shown; And those who will never see.
Mulherin likes this concept and considers
himself to be one of the enlightened for-
mer. “I’m always in that space where —
especially in the creative arts community
— there’s just a different layer of feeling,”
he says. “And there are crummy things
that can come with that. But I feel like
there’s a sixth sense within people who
have a creative mindset. I mean, why do
some of my favorite artists have to be some
of the most tortured people? I’m just talk-
ing out loud here, but all I know is, I’ve
never been in a great mood and been com-
pelled to write a song about it. I guess I just
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