If and Only If: A Journal of Body Image and Eating Disorders Winter 2015 | Page 93

Manifestation

Casey Vittimberga

I play cancer patient with makeup, tracing

the dark contours of my cheekbones

and the delicate butterfly skin under my eyes.

Cancer patients get respect, reverence. I get nothing

but tubes down my throat and in my arms, and I wonder why it is

that my illness is so less regarded

when it fractures me just the same. I draw the death

from beneath my skin and it rises to the surface until

my skin is ashen and gray as the sickness that resides

inside my organs. Suddenly I am sickened

by this manifestation of this thing

and I scrub and chafe and scour my face until my skin

is raw and red and yet the bruises remain under my eyes and

then I realize that the makeup is gone and this is my face

this is MY face

and try as I might I don’t think I can scrub away my skin.