Voices
the fire to escalate the conflict. All
I had to do was walk away from my
daughter and the fight would have
been over before all this horrible
shit happened, but I didn’t. My
wife came through the door and I
shuddered to tell her everything
that had happened. I didn’t want
her to know any of it. But I have
a big mouth. Nothing stays inside
this vault for very long.
“Everything okay?” she asked.
“She hit her brother and I lost
my shit,” I said.
“It’s all right.”
“I spanked her. I’m so f*cking
sorry.”
“It’s all right. It’s all right. I’ve
spanked her too.”
“You have?”
“Oh, yeah,” she said. “It does
nothing.”
“Why doesn’t it do anything? I
want it to WORK.”
“I know! I wish it would.”
“Why don’t they listen to us?”
“I dunno. Just don’t spank her
again. It makes everything worse.”
“I made it so much worse, you
have no idea.”
“It’s all right.”
My daughter came down the
stairs and there was no more
screaming or evil laughter. She
had been replaced with an actual
DREW
MAGARY
girl, the one I’d kill for. She didn’t
seem to have any hard feelings
about our power struggle. Kids affect a kind of multiple personality
disorder — they become entirely
different people for a bit and then
have no recollection of that identity once the storm has passed.
“Can I get you something to
eat?” I asked her.
“Shells and cheese,” she said.
A sincere answer. That is all I
ever want. Plain, mature sincerity.
I hugged her and told her I loved
her and she pushed me away with
a laugh. A nice laugh.
“Dad, ew.”
She went to go draw a picture
and I began climbing the mountain all over again, hoping to string
together enough good days of
parenting until I got to the point
where there were no more bad
days, until the day when I could
stand proud in front of stern
newscasters and judgmental foreigners and overbearing grandparents and anyone else who thought
I sucked at this and tell them that
I was a good father and
have them believe it.
Drew Magary is a writer for Deadspin
and GQ. His new parenting memoir,
Someone Could Get Hurt, is out now.
HUFFINGTON
06.16.13