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VERY CELEBRITY
WATCHER is familiar with some of the
more obvious signs
that a star is headed for rehab: the
glassy eyes, the inappropriately
exposed skin, the low-speed collisions with vehicles operated by
paparazzi. But what if there were
a formula that could tell us, with
something approaching scientific
precision, how many interventions our favorite tabloid miscreants can expect to endure over the
course of their careers?
Now, there (sort of) is. Brain
Trust author and mathematics
guru Garth Sundem has created a
rehab prediction formula for Huffington, based on a handful of variables common to today’s young
attention-seekers.
Sundem used the following
variables to calculate the probability that a given star would
make between zero and four trips
to rehab: 1. Star’s age when his
or her IMDB page was created;
2. Number of Google Images results, within the first ten, showing the star with Lindsay Lohan
when both names are searched;
CELEBRITY
REHAB
HUFFINGTON
06.17.12
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3. Number of visible tattoos within first ten Google Images results;
4. Parents’ marital status when
star reached the age of ten.
Sundem arranged the variables
into an intricate equation, then
made a few necessary tweaks — stars
earned penalties for
Selena
a career start in muGomez, Aaron
sic rather than actCarter and
ing (subtract five
Mary-Kate
from IMDB age for
Olsen may
singers), as well as
want to start
if their parents dia cleanse: the
vorced before the age
formula finds
of ten (plus five).
that they’re
The final results
were spot on for a
in danger.
handful of stars, like
Demi Lovato, Kirsten
Dunst and Haley Joel Osment. Others have already exceeded their predictions — the formula put Lindsay
Lohan’s career number at three
when it is in fact already at five.
And Selena Gomez, Aaron Carter
and Mary-Kate Olsen may want to
start a cleanse: the formula finds
that they are in danger of doing the
dance with 12 steps.
— By Kiki Von Glinow