How to Coach Yourself and Others Popular Models for Coaching | Page 170

According to conventional wisdom, this is because we were
intoxicated by love and placing them on a pedestal - the more
time we spend with them, the more their true nature is revealed
and we see their flaws. But the poet W.H. Auden argued that
conventional wisdom has got things the wrong way round - it is
when we first meet someone that we see them as they truly are,
and later on, it is our own faults projected onto them that spoils
the picture - and if we are not careful, the relationship.
As far as I know Auden was not familiar with the Enneagram but
his attitude is very close to the way the Enneagram encourages
us to relate to others - by looking for the source of conflict in our
own skewed perceptions and assumptions, rather than seeing it
as a fault in the other person.
So for example, a Three (Performer) and a Five (Observer)
might fall in love - the Three entranced by the ‘mystery’ of the
unfathomable Five, and the Five bowled over by the ‘glamour’ of
the confident, successful Three. But conflict will arise whenever
the Three fails to understand why the Five doesn’t ‘push herself
forward more’ and gain more rewards and recognition for her
knowledge and insights. Equally, the Five needs to watch out for
her tendency to judge the Three as ‘shallow and materialistic’ in
his pursuit of worldly success.
Having spent a fair amount of time working as a couples
therapist, I’ve noticed it represents a significant turning point
when two partners learn to let go of their expectations that the
other should change, and learn to respect their differences however irritating or strange they might appear! In terms of the
Enneagram, this means accepting the other’s type and dropping
the unspoken demand that they become more like our type. In
the above example, this will happen when the Three learns to
respect the Five’s need for privacy and autonomy, and when the
Five learns to take the Three’s public success at face value and
celebrate it.
172