How to Coach Yourself and Others How to Influence, Persuade and Motivate | Page 206

later, it dawns on you that you bought the car because of a subconscious
trigger. The moral of the story is to never take a drink from the car sales
rep before you've settled on a price. That drink serves as an obligation
trigger. You feel indebted to the car dealer because of this small courtesy,
and he knows it. He created the obligation with a fifty-cent can of soda.
You return the favor and get out of his debt by buying a $20,000 car.
[1]I. Eibl-Eibesfeldt, Ethology: The Biology of Behavior, 2nd edition (New
York: Holt, Rinehart & Winston, 1975).

Definition of the Rule of Obligation
The Rule of Obligation, also known as "reciprocity," states that when
others do something for us, we feel a strong need, even a push, to return
the favor. Returning the favor rids us of the obligation created by the first
good deed. The adage "one good turn deserves another" seems to be a part
of social conditioning in every culture. And, even beyond that, the maxim
serves as an ethical code that does not necessarily need to be taught but
nevertheless is understood. For example, when someone smiles or gives a
compliment, we feel a great need to return the smile or compliment. Even
when these gestures are unsolicited, we feel a sense of urgency to repay
the person who has created the mental or psychological debt. In some
cases, our need to repay this debt is so overwhelming that we end up
dramatically exceeding the original favor. The obligation trigger created
by the car salesman's soda offer is a classic example of this principle.
People often conscientiously trigger feelings of indebtedness and
obligation in others by carrying out an uninvited favor. Even if we don't
want or ask for the gift, invitation, or compliment, we still feel the need to
return the favor when we receive it. Merely being indebted, even in the
slightest sense of the word, can create enough psychological discomfort
(and sometimes even public embarrassment) that we go to extraordinary
lengths to remove the burdensome obligation we feel. This is when we
often disproportionately reward the original giver.
When my family moved to a new area, we gave a small Christmas gift to
all our neighbors. I don't think the gifts cost more than five dollars each.
We were new on the block and wanted to get to know our neighbors.
About thirty minutes after hand-delivering the gifts to our new neighbors,
the doorbell rang. There stood one of the neighbors with a large box of
truffles in one hand — this box had to have been holding at least fifty
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