How to Coach Yourself and Others Happiness Is No Accident | Page 38

East Versus West in the Pursuit of Happiness
One useful model of observation on how people think comes in the classic description of the
difference between Eastern thinking and Western thinking. Begin with the observation that
unhappiness is the product of unmet desires. Eastern thinking says, change your desires to match
what you already have, and you will become happy. Western thinking says, change the world to fit
your desires, and you will be happy. If you are unhappy because you live in a tiny house and want
a bigger home, the traditional Eastern view would be to change your desire so that you want no
more than you already have. The Western view would be to go out and build a bigger house, at
almost any cost.
There's some wisdom in this model, but the world we live in today is no longer easily divided
between East and West; each tradition has drawn on the other for decades now, and the habits and
patterns of thinking of each have blended together in important ways. And in my experience, the
most successful people have always combined elements of both traditions in their thinking — they
embrace the ambition and outward focus of the West as well as the patience and humility of the
East.
We all know people who are filled with the Western ambition to go out and change the world.
Many succeed, at least now and then, by pushing against the forces of the world and reshaping
them. But just about all of them also fail now and then — because they come face-to-face with
people, ideas, or parts of the physical world that are simply too strong to be moved. And we all
know people who are filled with Eastern patience and humility, ready to reshape their own desires
to fill the world. At times, this approach to life is powerfully rewarding, with the ups and downs of
the external world softened by a philosophical detachment from external things. But how many
opportunities to make positive change in the world slip by, how many chances to have a real
impact on the world are missed, because of this detachment?
But imagine the man or woman who looks at the world and understands, this is when I should
push, here is the opportunity to reshape the world in some small way, and knows too when to say,
here is when I must step back, here is when my desire has to yield to patience. The real power lies
in being able to see both visions — both the ambition of the West and the humility and patience of
the East — and being able to employ each when it best suits the challenge at hand.
Beyond East and West to the Three Levels of Thinking
For the world we live in today, the best model of human thinking I've come across is built of three
levels or stages,1 and it draws from the best of both the East and the West.
At the first level, the most important question for understanding the world and taking action is
How do I feel? or How do I look to myself? Picture a teenager waking up in the morning and
saying to his parent, I'm not going to school because I don't feel well. Or the worker leaving a note
on her desk right after lunch — Gone home, not feeling well. That's level one. How you feel about
yourself is almost all you care about.
One level higher, the teen turns to his parent and asks, Do I look as bad as I feel? Or the worker
decides not just to leave work, but to go talk with a colleague and say, Wow, I'm not feeling well.
In reply, the parent may say, You look fine to me. Or the colleague may say, You should sit down
and let me have a look at you. This is the second level, where you progress from asking How do I
feel? or How do I look to myself? to How do others feel about me? or How do I look to others?

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