How to Coach Yourself and Others Grief Coaching and Counseling | Page 24

THE 10 STAGES OF HEALING
To lose something of material value can suddenly leave us stunned and momentarily beside ourselves.
But when we lose someone of value, that loss is magnified a thousand-fold...our lives are changed
forever, and our sense of who we are becomes immeasurably shaken.
At some point in our lives, everyone suffers loss--some more than others--yet few of us are prepared
for the anguish, the sense of aloneness, and the overwhelming feeling of devastation that follows.
There is a defining moment in every person's life that changes us, shaping who and what we are. Loss
is often a catalyst for that change, whether the loss is physical, emotional, spiritual or all of the above.
Loss can take place in many forms: death of a child, a parent, a spouse, a close friend or relative; loss
of positive childhood experiences; loss of a pregnancy; loss of career and means of support; loss of a
close relationship; global loss; loss of what it means to be happy.
The private tragedies that we all so often experience are some of the most tragic forms of loss: family
secrets; personal addictions; child abuse; unwanted and unexpected marital discord; infidelity;
separation and divorce; physical and emotional abandonment. Associated with the losses inherent in
private tragedies are the secrets that keep us from truly knowing ourselves, secrets that can often
sabotage healthy relationships with others.
We can heal from loss far more effectively than we are led to believe. First we have to make a decision
to heal. To assist in dealing with grief and healing, it is essential that we first have an adequate sense
of self-esteem. Self-esteem develops when we feel loved, whole and are able to show love in return.
Balance and incorporate simple things into your life. Take time for your life—this is essential for
monitoring your own life's pace. Watch out for expectations of perfectionism, not only does it require
a lot of energy, it doesn't exist. Learn to cut corners and to devote more attention to those things that
are within your capabilities.
When you experience loss and grief, reestablish your self-confidence by remembering past
accomplishments with joy--and don't underestimate the power of prayer. When faced with unpleasant
tasks at hand, plan to tackle them head on rather than procrastinate. Pacing life will expedite the
healing process and help maintain normalcy as much as possible.
If you are at the beginning of the healing process and your life is full of painful emotions, memories or
crisis, the idea of healing over time may seem irrelevant. You may feel terrible now and you want to
feel better. You may feel desperate and want answers, and most importantly, you just want the pain to
go away. Unfortunately, there are no easy answers. Healing does take time. You don't just zip through
it. Strong feelings will arise as you work through the grief stages of denial, anger, depression,
bargaining, until finally you come to an acceptance that life goes on post-tragedy. There is no magical
timetable for healing.
Grieving is a natural part of the healing process. As you shed tears and weave in and out of the stages
of grief, you are progressively moving on. A person does not simply "get over" a trauma or tragedy.
However, through grieving, it is possible to steadily move toward more inner peace.
If you have diffi