How to Coach Yourself and Others Grief Coaching and Counseling | Page 13

Bargaining
Before a loss, it seems like you will do anything if only your loved one would be spared. “Please God,
” you bargain, “I will never be angry at my wife again if you’ll just let her live.” After a loss,
bargaining may take the form of a temporary truce. “What if I devote the rest of my life to helping
others. Then can I wake up and realize this has all been a bad dream?”

We become lost in a maze of “If only…” or “What if…” statements. We want life returned to what is
was; we want our loved one restored. We want to go back in time: find the tumor sooner, recognize
the illness more quickly, stop the accident from happening…if only, if only, if only. Guilt is often
bargaining’s companion. The “if onlys” cause us to find fault in ourselves and what we “think” we
could have done differently. We may even bargain with the pain. We will do anything not to feel the
pain of this loss. We remain in the past, trying to negotiate our way out of the hurt. People often think
of the stages as lasting weeks or months. They forget that the stages are responses to feelings that can
last for minutes or hours as we flip in and out of one and then another. We do not enter and leave each
individual stage in a linear fashion. We may feel one, then another and back again to the first one.

Depression
After bargaining, our attention moves squarely into
the present. Empty feelings present themselves,
and grief enters our lives on a deeper level, deeper
than we ever imagined. This depressive stage feels
as though it will last forever. It’s important to
understand that this depression is not a sign of
mental illness. It is the appropriate response to a
great loss. We withdraw from life, left in a fog of
intense sadness, wondering, perhaps, if there is any
point in going on alone? Why go on at all?
Depression after a loss is too often seen as
unnatural: a state to be fixed, something to snap
out of. The first question to ask yourself is whether
or not the situation you’re in is actually depressing.
The loss of a loved one is a very depressing