How to Coach Yourself and Others Coaching With Meta Communication | Page 58

Reciprocal disclosure
One of the most important aspects of verbal flirting is what psychologists call 'reciprocal disclosure' – the exchange of
personal information. In fact, unless partners disclose
at least some personal details, the conversation can
hardly be called a flirtation.
When you first meet, these details do not have to be
particularly intimate: disclosure of almost any personal
information, even something as innocent as the fact
that one likes warm weather or Italian food, is a move
towards intimacy.
If your partner discloses some such detail, you should
reciprocate as soon as possible by revealing some
similar information about yourself, perhaps 'raising the
ante' a little by making your disclosure slightly more
personal. If your partner likes you, he or she will
probably try to 'match' your disclosure with one of
similar value. Reciprocal disclosure of this kind is a
much more subtle and less threatening route to
intimacy than asking direct personal questions.
The key to successful flirtation is to escalate the level of intimacy gradually, always maintaining a balance between your
disclosures and those of your partner. Avoid getting too far ahead by revealing too much, or lagging behind by revealing
too little.
Women should be aware that men tend to interpret disclosure of personal information as a sign of sexual availability,
and be particularly careful about how much they reveal.

Humour
Humour is a powerful flirting tool. It is almost impossible to flirt successfully or enjoyably without it, and yet it can
easily backfire if abused or misused.
On the positive side, studies have shown that people who use humour in social encounters are perceived as more
likeable, and that both trust and attraction increase when a light-hearted approach is used. Judicious use of humour can
reduce anxiety and establish a relaxed mood which helps a relationship to develop more rapidly. A slightly risqué joke
can help to escalate the level of intimacy in a flirtatious
conversation.
On the negative side, inappropriate use of humour can kill a
promising flirtation stone dead in a matter of seconds. Making
a risqué joke or comment too early, for example, before a
reasonable degree of intimacy has been established, is the
verbal equivalent of a bum-pinch. Men are generally more
likely to make this kind of fatal mistake than women. Women,
however, need to be even more cautious in their use of sexual
humour, as men will be inclined to interpret this as a sign of
sexual availability.
While it is clearly important to avoid causing offence or giving
misleading signals, humour is an essential element of flirtation.
Flirting is by definition a light-hearted, playful form of
interaction. A flirtatious encounter may eventually lead to a
'serious', long-term relationship, but too much seriousness in
the early stages is off-putting. Even in the longer term, a
capacity for light-hearted playfulness is important. It is no
accident that so many single people seeking partners through
the personal ads include 'gsoh' (good sense of humour) in their
requirements.
Humour can clearly help to reduce tension and awkwardness in
the early stages of a flirtatious encounter. In the section on
opening lines, we advised the use of phrases which are
universally recognised as 'conversation-starters', such as

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