How to Coach Yourself and Others Coaching Families | Page 68

ruining her life and going nowhere. They are angry and reject this young girl, and they blame her for all the
pain in the family. In this instance, the BSFT counselor recognizes that the family is "stuck" about what to
do with this girl and that their inability to decide what to do is based on the view they have developed about
her and her behavior. To "open up" the family to try new ways to reach the youngster, the BSFT counselor
must present a new "frame" or perspective that will enable the family to react differently toward the girl.
The BSFT counselor might tell the family that, although she realizes how frustrated and exasperated they
must feel about their daughter's behavior, "it is my professional opinion that the main problem with this girl
is that she is very depressed and is in a lot of pain that she does not know how to handle." Reframing is a
practical tool used to stimulate a change in family interactions. With this new frame, the family may now be
able to behave in new ways toward the adolescent, which can include communicating in a caring and
nurturing manner. A more collaborative set of relationships within the family will make it easier for the
parents to discuss the daughter's drug abuse, to address the issues that may be driving her to abuse drugs,
and to develop a family strategy to help the adolescent reduce her drug use.
3. Reversals
When using the technique called "reversal," the counselor changes a habitual pattern of interacting by
coaching one member of the family to do or say the opposite of what he or she usually would. Reve rsing the
established interactional pattern breaks up previously rigid patterns of interacting that give rise to and
maintain symptoms, while allowing alternatives to emerge. If an adolescent gets angry because her father
nagged her, she yells at her father, and the father and daughter begin to fight, a reversal would entail
coaching the father to respond differently to his daughter by saying, "Rachel, I love you when you get angry
like that," or "Rachel, I get very frightened when you get angry like that." Reversals make family members
interact differently than they did when the family got into trouble.
4. Working With Boundaries and Alliances
Certain alliances are likely to be adaptive. For example, when the authority or parent figures in the family
are allied with each other, they will be in a better position to manage the adolescent's problem behaviors.
However, when an alliance forms between a parent figure and one of the children against another parent
figure, the family is likely to experience trouble, especially with antisocial adolescent behavior. An
adolescent who is allied with an authority figure has a great deal of power and authority within the family
system. Therefore, it would be difficult to place limits on this adolescent's problem behavior. One goal of
BSFT is to realign maladaptive alliances.
One important determinant of alliances between family members is the psychological barrier between them,
or the metaphorical fence that distinguishes one member from another. BSFT counselors call this barrier or
fence a "boundary." Counselors aim to have clear boundaries between family members so that there is some
privacy and some independence from other family members. However, these should not be rigid boundaries,
with which family members would have few shared experiences. By shifting boundaries, BSFT counselors
change maladaptive alliances across the generations (e.g., between parent figures and child). For example,
in a family in which the mother and the daughter are allied and support each other on almost all issues while
excluding the father, the mother may no longer be powerful enough to control her daughter when she
becomes an adolescent and may need help. In this case, an alliance between the mother and the father needs
to be re-established, while the cross-generational coalition between mother and daughter needs to be
eliminated.
It is the BSFT counselor's job to shift the alliances that exist in the family. This means restoring the balance
of power to the parents or parent figures so that they can effectively exercise their leadership in the family
and control their daughter's behavior. The counselor attempts to achieve these alliance shifts in a very
smooth, subtle, and perhaps even sly fashion. Rather than directly confronting the alliance of the mother and
daughter, for example, the counselor may begin by encouraging the father to establish some form of
interaction with his daughter.
Boundary shifting is accomplished in two ways. Some boundaries need to be loosened, while others need to
be strengthened. Loosening boundaries brings disengaged family members (e.g., father and daughter) closer
together. This may involve finding areas of common interest between them and encouraging them to pursue
these interests together. For instance, in the case of a teenaged son enmeshed with his mother and
disengaged from his father, the counselor may direct the father to involve his son in a project or to take his

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