How to Coach Yourself and Others Coaching Families | Page 118

Example:
Neither Michael nor Martha wanted to live near their families. When Michael got a good job offer on the
East coast, both of them were eager to move east. They told their families they were moving away because
of Michael's great job offer, but they welcomed the physical distance from their families. Michael felt guilty
about living far away from his parents and his parents were upset about it, especially Michael's mother.
Michael called home every weekend and managed to combine business trips with brief stays with his
parents. He did not look forward to the phone calls and usually felt depressed after them. He felt as if his
mother deliberately put him on "guilt trips" by emphasizing how poorly she was doing and how much she
missed seeing him. She never failed to ask if his company could transfer him closer to home. It was much
less depressing for Michael to talk to his father, but they talked mostly about Michael's job and what his
Dad was doing in retirement.
[Analysis: Michael blamed his mother for the problems in their relationship and, despite his guilt, felt
justified distancing from her. People commonly have a "stickier" unresolved emotional attachment with
their mothers than with their fathers because the way a parental triangle usually operates is that the mother
is too involved with the child and the father is in the outside position.] In the early years, Martha would
sometimes participate in Michael's phone calls home but, as her problems mounted, she usually left the calls
to Michael. Michael did not say much to his parents about Martha's drinking or about the tensions in their
marriage. He would report on how the kids were doing. Michael, Martha, and the kids usually made one
visit to Michael's parents each year. They did not look forward to the four days they would spend there, but
Michael's mother thrived on having them. Martha never said anything to Michael's parents about her
drinking or the marital tensions, but she talked at length about Amy to Michael's mother. Amy often
developed middle ear infections during or soon after these trips.
[Analysis: Frequently one or more family members get sick leading up to, during, or soon after trips home.
Amy was more vulnerable because of the anxious focus on her.] Martha followed a pattern similar to
Michael's in dealing with her family. One difference was that her parents came east fairly often. When they
came, Martha's mother would get more worried about Martha and critical of both her drinking and of how
she was raising Amy. Martha dreaded these exchanges with her mother and complained to Michael for days
after her parents returned home. Deep down, however, Martha felt her mother was right about her
deficiencies. Martha's mother pumped Michael for information about Martha when Martha was reluctant to
talk. Michael was all too willing to discuss Martha's perceived shortcomings with her mother.
[Analysis: Given the striking parallels between the unresolved issues in Michael's relationship with his
family, Martha's relationship with her family, and the issues in their marriage, emotional cut-off clearly did
not solve any problems. It simply shifted the problems to their marital relationship and to Amy.]

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