How to Coach Yourself and Others Coaching Families | Page 110

goes along. The intensity of the projection process is unrelated to the amount of time parents spend with a
child.
Example:
The case of Michael, Martha, and Amy illustrates the family projection process. Martha's anxiety about
Amy began before Amy was born. Martha feared she would transfer inadequacies she had felt as a child,
and still felt, to her own child. This was one reason Martha had mixed feelings about being a mother. Like
many parents, Martha felt a mother's most important task was to make a child feel loved. In the name of
showing love, she was acutely responsive to Amy's desires for attention. If Amy seemed bored and out of
sorts, Martha was there with an idea or plan. She believed a child's road to confidence and independence
was in the child feeling secure about herself. Martha did not recognize how sensitive she was to any sign in
Amy that she might be upset or troubled and how quickly she would move in to fix the problem.
Martha loved Amy deeply. She and Amy often seemed like one person in the way they were attuned to each
other. As a very small toddler, Amy was as sensitive to her mother's moods and wants as Martha was to
Amy's moods and wants.
[Analysis: Martha's excessive involvement programs Amy to want much of her mother's attention and to be
highly sensitive to her mother's emotional state. Both mother and child act to reinforce the intense
connection between them.]
At some point in the unfolding of their relationship, Martha began to feel irritated at times by what Martha
regarded as Amy's "insatiable need" for attention. Martha would try to distance from Amy's neediness, but
not very successfully because Amy had ways to involve her mother with her. Martha flip-flopped between
pleading with and cajoling Amy one minute and being angry at and directive of her the next. It seemed to
lock them together even more tightly. Martha looked to Michael to take over at such times. Despite calling
Amy's need for attention insatiable, Martha felt Amy really needed more of her time and she faulted herself
for not being able to give enough. She wanted Michael to help with the task. It bothered Martha if Amy
seemed upset with her. Amy's upsets triggered guilt in Martha and a fear that they were no longer close
companions. She wanted to soothe Amy and feel close to her.
[Analysis: Martha blames Amy for the demands she makes on her, but at the same time feels she is failing
Amy. Martha tries to "fix" Amy's problem by doing more of what she has already been doing and solicits
Michael's help in it. Martha is meeting many of her own needs for emotional closeness and companionship
through Amy, thus gets very distressed if Amy seems unhappy with her. The marital distance accentuates
Martha's need for Amy.]
Martha's second pregnancy changed a reasonably manageable situation into an unmanageable one. The
dilemma of meeting the needs of both children seemed impossible to Martha. She felt Amy was already
showing signs of "inheriting" her insecurities. How had she failed her?
When it was time for Amy to start school, Martha sought long conferences with the kindergarten teacher to
plan the transition. If Amy balked at going to school, Martha became frightened, angry, exasperated, and
guilty. The kindergarten teacher felt she understood children like Amy and took great interest in her. Amy
was bright, thrived on the teacher's attention, and performed very well in school. Martha had none of these
fears when Marie started school and, not surprisingly, none of the school transition problems occurred with
her. Marie did not seem to require so much of the teacher's attention; she just pursued her interests.
As Amy progressed through grade school, her adjustment to school seemed to depend heavily on the teacher
she had in a particular year. If the teacher seemed to take an unusual interest in her, she performed very
well, but if the teacher treated her as one of the group, she would lose interest in her work. Martha focused
on making sure Amy got the "right" teacher whenever possible. Marie's performance did not depend on a
particular teacher.
[Analysis: Martha's difficulty being a "self" with her children is reflected in her feeling inordinately
responsible for the happiness of both children. This makes it extremely difficult for her to interact
comfortably with two children. Amy transfers the relationship intensity she has with her mother to her
teachers. When a teacher makes her special, Amy performs very well, but without that type of relationship,

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