How to Coach Yourself and Others Coaching Families | Page 102

through for herself and telling Michael what she thought. She did not assume Michael usually knew "best."
[Analysis: Because the level of stress on a marriage is often less during the early years, particularly before
the births of children and the addition of other responsibilities, the less adaptive moderately differentiated
marriage and the more adaptive well-differentiated marriage can look similar because the tension level is
low. Stress is necessary to expose the limits of a family's adaptive capacity.]
Martha conceived during the third year of the marriage and had a fairly smooth pregnancy. She had a few
physical problems, but dealt with them with equanimity. She was somewhat anxious about being an
adequate mother but felt she could manage these fears.
When she talked to Michael about her fears, she did not expect that he would solve them for her, but she
thought more clearly about her fears when she talked them out with him. He listened but was not
patronizing. He recognized his own fears about the coming changes in their lives and acknowledged them
to Martha.
[Analysis: The stresses associated with the real and anticipated changes of the pregnancy trigger some
anxiety in both Michael and Martha, but their interaction does not escalate the anxiety and make it chronic.
Martha had somewhat heightened needs and expectations of Michael, but she takes responsibility for
managing her anxiety and has realistic expectations about what he can do for her. Michael does not get
particularly reactive to Martha's expectations and recognizes he is anxious too. Each remains a resource to
the other.]
A female infant was born after a fairly smooth labor. They named her Amy. Martha weathered the delivery
fairly well and was ready to go home when her doctor discharged her. The infant care over the next few
months was physically exhausting for Martha, but she was not heavily burdened by anxieties about the baby
or about her adequacy as a mother. She continued to talk to Michael about her thoughts and feelings and
still did not feel he was supposed to do something to make her feel better. Although Michael had increasing
work pressures he remained emotionally available to her, even if only by phone at times. He worried about
work issues, but did not ruminate about them to Martha. When she asked how it was going, he responded
fairly factually and appreciated her interest. He occasionally wished Martha would not get anxious about
things, but realized she could manage. He was not compelled to "fix" things for her.
[Analysis: Sure of herself as a person, Martha is able F