How to Coach Yourself and Others Coaching Families | Page 70

Some families have very rigid boundaries around themselves, prohibiting their members from interacting
with the outside world. Other families have very weak boundaries around themselves that allow outsiders to
have an undue influence on family members. Either of these extremes can be problematic and is fair ground
for BSFT intervention. For example, if parents are uninvolved with their children's school or friends (rigid
boundaries), the BSFT counselor works to get the parents to participate more fully in their child's school life
and to interact more with their child's friends.
5. Detriangulation
As was said earlier, triangles occur when a third, usually less powerful, person gets involved in a conflict
between two others. It is a basic assumption of BSFT that the only way conflict between two people (called
a "dyad") can be resolved is by keeping the conflict between them. Bringing in a third person and forming a
triangle becomes an obstacle to resolving the conflict. The third person usually is drawn into a coalition
with one of the parties in conflict and against the other. This coalition results in an imbalance within the
original dyad. The issues involved in the conflict are detoured through the third person rather than dealt with
directly. For example, when parent A has a fight with parent B, parent B may attack the adolescent in
retaliation for parent A's behavior (or attempt to enlist the youth's support for his or her side of the
argument) rather than expressing his or her anger directly to parent A. Such triangulated adolescents are
often blamed for the family's problems, and they may become identified patients and develop symptoms
such as drug abuse.
Because triangulation prevents the involved parties from resolving their conflicts, the goal of counseling is
to break up the triangle. Detriangulation permits the parents in conflict to discuss issues and feelings directly
and more effectively. Detriangulation also frees the third party, the adolescent, from being used as the
escape valve for the parents' problems.
One of the ways in which a BSFT counselor achieves detriangulation is by keeping the third party (i.e., the
adolescent) from participating in the discussions between the dyad. Another way to set boundaries to
detriangulate is to ask the third party not to attend a therapy session so that the two conflicting parties can
work on their issues directly. For example, when working with a family in which the son begins to act
disrespectfully whenever his parents begin to argue, the counselor might instruct the parents to ignore the
son and continue their discussion. If the son's misbehavior becomes unmanageable, the counselor may ask
the son to leave the room so that the parents can argue without the son's interference. Eventually, the
counselor will ask the parents to collaborate in controlling the son.
Attempts by the Family to Triangulate the Counselor
Triangulation does not necessarily have to involve only family members. Sometimes a counselor can
become part of a triangle as well. One of the most common strategies used by family members is to attempt
to get the counselor to ally himself or herself with one family member against another. For example, one
family member might say to the counselor, "Isn't it true that I am right and he is wrong?" "You know best,
you tell him." "We were having this argument last night, and I told her that you had said that...."
Triangulation is always a form of conflict avoidance. Regardless of whether it is the counselor or a family
member who is being triangulated, triangulation prevents two family members in conflict from reaching a
resolution. The only way two family members can resolve their con flicts is on a one-to-one basis.
An important reason why the counselor does not want to be triangulated is that the person in the middle of a
triangle is either rendered powerless or symptomatic. In the case of the counselor, the "symptom" he or she
would develop would be ineffectiveness as a therapist, that is an inability to do his or her job well because
his or her freedom of movement (e.g., changing alliances, choosing whom to address, etc.) has been
restricted. A triangulated counselor is defeated. If the counselor is unable to get out of the triangle, he or she
has no hope of being effective, regardless of what else he or she does or says.
When a family member attempts to triangulate the counselor, the counselor has to bring the conflict back to
the people who are involved in it. For example, the counselor might say, "Ultimately, it doesn't matter what
I think. What matters is what the two of you agree to, together. I am here to help you talk, negotiate, hear
each other clearly, and come to an agreement." In this way, the counselor places the focus of the interaction
back on the family. The counselor also might respond, "I understand how difficult this is for you, but this is
your son, and you have to come to terms with each other, not with me."

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