How to Coach Yourself and Others Coaching Families | Page 218
Mary: Well I hope so, I think sometimes they know now how hard things are for me on my own, how much
more running around I have to do, and sometimes how exhausted I am.
Th: When they become parents of their own children, do you think they will see how hard you have been
trying to be both mum and dad at times?
Externalize
One specific way of providing distance between the family and the difficulties, which is particularly useful
if the difficulties are seen to reside within one family member is to externalise the problem. That is to give
the problem an external, objective reality outside of the person. This can be useful in mobilising the family’s
resources to unite in working towards solutions and new ways of thinking which challenge the difficulties.
Example:
The therapist is talking to a 10-year-old boy (Max) during the course of a family meeting. Max has been
describing how bad tempered he can be, especially at school. Family members have been agreeing that Max
is bad tempered. The therapist is working to externalise the temper from Max, in order that he and his
family find ways they can have an influence on the tempers.
Th: Can we give this bad temper a name?
Max: Well, it’s a sort of me at my angriest, a mad max I suppose.
Th: When mad max is around, what effect does he have on your friendships at school?
Max: Well, that when it can be at its worst, mad max can get me to be very argumentative, my friends stay
well away from me.
Th: So when mad max is around they stay away. What happens when mad max isn’t there?
Max: Well I tend to play football with my mates.
Reframe:
Reframe some of the constraining ideas presented by the family. Relabelling in a positive way, ideas and
descriptions given by family members, in a manner which is consistent with their realities. Circular
questions are often most helpful in opening up reframes with the family.
Example
A father is defining himself and his parenting behaviour as the ‘problem’ in relation to his children’s
teenage struggles. The therapist works towards redefining the descriptions of behaviour as less problematic
and offering some positives for the family.
Cl: I think I’m basically just too inconsistent, it depends what mood I am in, or how busy I am, as to what
answer the kids will get from me.
Th: I am just wondering, this inconsistency, who is it a problem for?
Cl: Well them, I think. They don’t know where they stand half the time.
Th: Does it leave people not knowing where they stand or does it leave people having to make up their own
minds?
Cl: Well both, I’ve never really thought about it like that, but I feel like I don’t always think before I react.
Th: Tell me Jane, what are some of the helpful things about your dad just reacting sometimes?
218