How to Coach Yourself and Others Coaching Families

Goals to keep in mind, besides the aforementioned structural shift, include formation of a functional family hierarchy. Parents will operate on the same page, especially when making decisions as family leaders. Assertion of boundaries of parental subsystem is important to this goal. How therapy addresses boundaries Much of the therapeutic work in family systems centres on boundaries, not the physical boundaries of walls and borders, but psychological boundaries. These types of boundaries can’t be seen or touched, but instead shape themselves in the form of beliefs, perceptions, convictions, and understandings. Individuals form selfconcepts, for example, based on beliefs regarding who they are, and these beliefs “surround” individuals, distinguishing them from others – creating a sense of “otherness.” These invisible and impactful boundaries are also drawn around groups and subgroups of people. For instance, parents or couples surround themselves with boundaries that separate them from other couples, their parents, and their children. Managers in a corporation have boundaries that separate them from coworkers. Hierarchies are established for a reason, for the proper functioning of the group or organization, to delegate tasks, and to ensure the proper checks and balances. Children also form a subgroup within a family, forming a boundary around themselves separate from their parents. Ideally, the child subgroup holds less power than the parents. Family systems therapists confront families and situations where boundaries have become crossed, distorted, or nonexistent. These types of situations lead to dysfunctional and unhealthy relational patterns. A mother complaining to her child about her spouse - the child’s father - is one example of a crossed boundary. Another example of a crossed boundary are parents who perhaps share information about their sexual relationship with their children. These are two examples of distorted boundaries or inappropriate boundaries that lead to dysfunctional interactions. No family is perfect, and mistakes often happen. Sometimes more is shared or not enough is shared among family members, but most families work for an appropriate balance. However, families who allow boundaries to be constantly, routinely crossed, who set up patterns of interaction and form a family process that lacks self-regulating behaviours, need help at re-forming boundaries. Enmeshed and Disengaged families There are many types of boundary problems - as many problems as there are families. Family systems therapists assess families for boundary problems along a spectrum, placing boundary problems between the following two extremes: ◦Enmeshed families. An enmeshed family exhibits signs of smothering, over-sharing, and caring that reaches beyond normalcy. In enmeshed families, boundaries do not allow for individuation; they are too fluid, and have become crossed and often distorted. Boundaries are constantly crossed in numerous ways. ◦Disengaged or detached. Families that share little to nothing, typically overly rigid families, are described as detached. There’s little to no communication – and no flexibility in family patterns to accommodate effective support and guidance. 144

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