How to Coach Yourself and Others Coaching and Counseling in Difficult Circumstances | Page 113
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- “When I imagine seeing/hearing …”
Examples:
“When I see you reading the newspaper …”
“When I hear you say, ‘I’ll never amount to anything,’ …”
“When I remember seeing you hit the table with your fist, …”
Observation Check:
- Is my observation free of evaluation?
- Can my observation be recorded by the lens of a movie camera or the mike of a tape recorder?
- Does my observation contain words such as “always,” “never,” “whenever,” “constantly,” etc.? … am I
using these words factually or evaluatively?
Taking Responsibility for our Feelings
We take responsibility for our own feelings by connecting them to the need within us that is either being met or
not met. For example, "I am disappointed because I would like companionship."
Contrast this expression to the more common way we often blame others for our feelings:
"You never want to spend time with me … why are you so selfish."
When we blame others for our feelings we tend to stimulate feelings of guilt in the other person. If we express
our needs we have a better chance of getting them met.
Need vs. Request
Need: Universal human quality without reference to place, person or time Request: A specific strategy to meet a
need that usually involves a particular person doing something at a particular time
EXAMPLE
I have a need for companionship. I can imagine that need being met by making a particular request of you:
"Would you be willing to meet with me at 2pm today at Williams Restaurant for a cup of coffee and
conversation?" If you say "No," then I may try other dates or times or places with you that might work. Or I
may ask someone else to meet me.
For every need, there are an enormous (i.e. infinite) range of possible strategies that could meet that need.
Self-full vs. Selfish vs. Selfless
Selfish: I only value my own needs
Selfless: I only value others' needs
Self-full: I value my own needs and others' needs equally
The Path to Emotional Liberation
Stage 1, Emotional slavery: We believe we are responsible for the feelings of others.
Stage 2, Obnoxious: We no longer want to be responsible for the feelings of others … and often express it with
anger
Stage 3, Emotional liberation: We accept responsibility for our own intentions & actions, but not the feelings of
others. We respond to the needs of others only out of compassion & a desire to contribute, never guilt, fear or
shame.
Requests Versus Demands
By Gregg Kendrick, Certified Trainer
For [email protected]
Property of Bookemon, do NOT distribute
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