How to Coach Yourself and Others Coaching and Counseling in Difficult Circumstances | Page 113

This book is in B&W, not color - Print page in Grayscale for Correct view! - “When I imagine seeing/hearing …” Examples: “When I see you reading the newspaper …” “When I hear you say, ‘I’ll never amount to anything,’ …” “When I remember seeing you hit the table with your fist, …” Observation Check: - Is my observation free of evaluation? - Can my observation be recorded by the lens of a movie camera or the mike of a tape recorder? - Does my observation contain words such as “always,” “never,” “whenever,” “constantly,” etc.? … am I using these words factually or evaluatively? Taking Responsibility for our Feelings We take responsibility for our own feelings by connecting them to the need within us that is either being met or not met. For example, "I am disappointed because I would like companionship." Contrast this expression to the more common way we often blame others for our feelings: "You never want to spend time with me … why are you so selfish." When we blame others for our feelings we tend to stimulate feelings of guilt in the other person. If we express our needs we have a better chance of getting them met. Need vs. Request Need: Universal human quality without reference to place, person or time Request: A specific strategy to meet a need that usually involves a particular person doing something at a particular time EXAMPLE I have a need for companionship. I can imagine that need being met by making a particular request of you: "Would you be willing to meet with me at 2pm today at Williams Restaurant for a cup of coffee and conversation?" If you say "No," then I may try other dates or times or places with you that might work. Or I may ask someone else to meet me. For every need, there are an enormous (i.e. infinite) range of possible strategies that could meet that need. Self-full vs. Selfish vs. Selfless Selfish: I only value my own needs Selfless: I only value others' needs Self-full: I value my own needs and others' needs equally The Path to Emotional Liberation Stage 1, Emotional slavery: We believe we are responsible for the feelings of others. Stage 2, Obnoxious: We no longer want to be responsible for the feelings of others … and often express it with anger Stage 3, Emotional liberation: We accept responsibility for our own intentions & actions, but not the feelings of others. We respond to the needs of others only out of compassion & a desire to contribute, never guilt, fear or shame. Requests Versus Demands By Gregg Kendrick, Certified Trainer For [email protected] Property of Bookemon, do NOT distribute 115