How to Coach Yourself and Others Beware of Manipulation | Page 30

Do you ever do something you wouldn't do otherwise, because someone asked you to? Many of us
will. A manipulator knows this and works on their targeted victim's politeness and willingness in order
to draw them deeper into the relationship....
Do you sometimes identify yourself through another person or through a group? For example, 'Hi, I'm
Joe, Mary's husband' or 'I'm part of the XYZ organization'? In a manipulative relationship, this is part
of the manipulator's plan....
People can be manipulated to the point of identifying themself primarily or solely through their
relationship with the ultra-authority. Their own sense of identity as an individual has been destroyed....
Nothing of the old you remains; you are now about what the manipulator wants. This is the stage of the
relationship that most extreme manipulators are aiming for: complete control over their targeted
victim....
Have you ever 'dumped' somebody? It is much harder to leave a relationship you've been manipulated
into, but it can be done....
For someone who has disaffiliated from a manipulator, there are often some very serious concerns
which must be met right away. Personal safety, food, clothing, shelter and financial assets have often
been stripped out of the control of the individual. There are also long-term effects: recovering from
such levels of manipulation takes time, a great deal of effort, and understanding of what happened to
you.

2.6.2 Basic manipulative skills
“There is only one way to get anybody to do anything, and that is by making the other person want to
do it” (Dale Carnegie)
How manipulators unveil hidden reasons and feelings:
If you ask a person the reason for his behaviour, chances are he will come up with an excuse.
Manipulators know this and will formulate their question differently. They might ask “why won’t you
do things my way?” and next, ask: “is their any reason in addition to that?” and then keep silent and
observe their victim’s reaction.
In the same way, in order to find out how somebody really feels about something, they may surprise
him with a direct question and then observe his reaction.
Avoidance of conflict and Persistence: the hidden weapons of manipulation
You may think there is nothing you want from your friends or colleagues, a manipulator is always
aware that one day you may be in a position to contribute in one way or another in the pursuit of his
interests.
That is why he will choose his disagreements and pick his battles very carefully. After all, arguments
yield bitter fruits, so what’s the use of disagreeing or arguing on subjects that don’t directly affect their
interests or of arguing with people they have no personal connection with?
Instead, manipulators “speak the we-language” and will often stress how alike they feel to their
victims: “I don’t blame you for that, I’ve been there myself – I know how you feel”

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