How to Coach Yourself and Others Beware of Manipulation | Page 232

Beware of the backhanded compliment. Saying, "Nobody will ever love you the way I do," seems
sweet, but he/she wants you to believe that nobody but them will ever love you again. It fosters utter
dependence on her/him and her/his love. Over time, these ideas erode your sense of confidence. You
will begin to believe you're unworthy of better treatment, and they're the best you can hope for.
Do not believe this, you deserve so much more — and that is what you should have.
Stop berating yourself for loving this person. Realize that they're amazing — on the surface — and
you shouldn't beat yourself up for being attracted to that. These people are often an odd mix of very
high intellect or talent, coupled with low self-esteem (although they often seem confident to the point
of arrogance, a mask for their internal lack of true confidence).
Controlling, manipulative people are not able to just let things happen naturally — they must control
things or, in their mind, things will "get away" from her/him — so he/she's compelled by their inner
horrors to make sure they're the one pulling all the strings. But what makes it most awful is that they're
probably gorgeous (you thought so, right?) and smart, funny and charming. It's no wonder you fell for
them.
Tips
Don't blow off the opinions of your friends and family; they do have your best interests in mind. One
person can be ignored — many cannot. Do they tell you you're acting strange lately? Do they comment
on how different you seem — and not in a good way? Has anyone you love and respect expressed
actual dislike for your partner? Ask yourself, "Is my mom (for example) right about every other thing,
but wrong about this ONE thing — the new boyfriend/girlfriend?" And if more than one close family
member or friend is expressing dislike of the new guy/gal, give more weight to the negative opinions.
Resist the temptation to be bitter about the experience. You've just survived a very tough situation and
lived to tell the tale!
Key to this entire discussion is the recognition that the establishment of control is subtle, and often
occurs over time. The entire purpose of the article is to help you examine your relationship for the
warning signs. Because these signs can be subtle, it can be helpful to see a collection of warning signs;
one sign may not be a problem. Four or five — talk to friends and relatives. If they affirm the signs are
there, it may be time to re-evaluate this relationship — and try to do it outside of the control of this
person.
Do recognize that almost everyone is capable of some manipulative or controlling behaviors from time
to time — we all want to get our way or to win the argument. But when you begin to recognize more
than a few of the above warning signs, it's time to take a closer look at your relationship and decide
whether it's truly an equal partnership.
Make sure your relationship is a two-way street, and that your partner is giving as well as receiving. If
you have something big coming up — an exam, for instance — so that if you get together, you will still
need to study. He/she agrees initially to just come over and hang out while you study, but when he/she
gets there, says something dismissive, like, "You shouldn't be studying when we're together, you
should spend time with me. That exam isn't such a big deal and it's rude of you not to spend time with
me." That should be a red flag. A healthy relationship means there is give and take. A controlling or
manipulative relationship forces you to constantly choose between other important events and people
in your life and your partner. Giving back in a relationship does not only mean showering you with
affection and gifts. It means working together in co-operation on non-romantic subjects.
Confess to your friends and family - apologize to them for marginalizing them and disregarding their
bad opinion of this person. Tell them you wish you had listened to them. Get all the anger and hurt out
of your system - they will be only too happy to share. They will rejoice when you tell them it's over.

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