How to Coach Yourself and Others Beware of Manipulation | Page 21

Self-image:
Individuals with DPD see themselves as inadequate and/or helpless; they believe they are in a cold and
dangerous world and are unable to cope on their own. They define themselves as inept and abdicate
self-responsibility; they turn their fate over to others. These individuals will decline to be ambitious
and believe that they lack abilities, virtues and attractiveness.
The solution to being helpless in a frightening world is to find capable people who will be nurturing
and supportive toward those with DPD. Within protective relationships, individuals with DPD will be
self-effacing, obsequious, agreeable, docile, and ingratiating. They will deny their individuality and
subordinate their desires to significant others. They internalize the beliefs and values of significant
others. They imagine themselves to be one with or a part of something more powerful and they
imagine themselves to be supporting others. By seeing themselves as protected by the power of others,
they do not have to feel the anxiety attached to their own helplessness and impotence.
However, to be comfortable with themselves and their inordinate helplessness, individuals with DPD
must deny the feelings they experience and the deceptive strategies they employ. They limit their
awareness of both themselves and others. Their limited perceptiveness allows them to be naive and
uncritical Their limited tolerance for negative feelings, perceptions, or interaction results in the
interpersonal and logistical ineptness that they already believe to be true about themselves. Their
defensive structure reinforces and actually results in verification of the self-image they already hold.
Relationships:
Individuals with DPD see relationships with significant others as necessary for survival. They do not
define themselves as able to function independently; they have to be in supportive relationships to be
able to manage their lives. In order to establish and maintain these life-sustaining relationships, people
with DPD will avoid even covert expressions of anger. They will be more than meek and docile; they
will be admiring, loving, and willing to give their all. They will be loyal, unquestioning, and
affectionate. They will be tender and considerate toward those upon whom they depend.
Dependent individuals play the inferior role to the superior other very well; they communicate to the
dominant people in their lives that they are useful, sympathetic, strong, and competent. With these
methods, individuals with DPD are often able to get along with unpredictable or isolated people. To
further make this possible, individuals with DPD will approach both their own and others' failures and
shortcomings with a saccharine attitude and indulgent tolerance. They will engage in a mawkish
minimization, denial, or distortion of both their own and others' negative, self-defeating, or destructive
behaviors to sustain an idealized, and sometimes fictional, story of the relationships upon which they
depend. They will deny their individuality, their differences, and ask for little other than acceptance
and support.
Not only will individuals with DPD subordinate their needs to those of others, they will meet
unreasonable demands and submit to abuse and intimidation to avoid isolation and abandonment.
Dependent individuals so fear being unable to function alone that they will agree with things they
believe are wrong rather than risk losing the help of people upon whom they depend. They will
volunteer for unpleasant tasks if that will bring them the care and support they need. They will make
extraordinary self-sacrifices to maintain important bonds.
It is important to note that individuals with DPD, in spite of the intensity of their need for others, do
not necessarily attach strongly to specific individuals, i.e., they will become quickly and
indiscriminately attached to others when they have lost a significant relationship. It is the strength of
the dependency needs that is being addressed; attachment figures are basically interchangeable.
Attachment to others is a self-referenced and, at times, haphazard process of securing the protection of
the most readily available powerful other willing to provide nurturance and care.

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