How to Coach Yourself and Others Beware of Manipulation | Page 103

10. Denial:
When a manipulator refuses to admit that he or she has done something wrong, we talk about “denial”.
“Denial” has traditionally been conceptualized as a psychological ego defense mechanism. In other
words, it’s been presumed that when a person denies the reality of a situation, they do so unconsciously
because the reality is simply too painful to bear.
But when manipulators engage in denial, they’re generally not in a state of psychological unawareness
prompted by a deep inner pain about who they are or what they have been doing. Rather, they more
frequently use denial (i.e., an unwillingness to admit their wrongdoing) as a tactic to feign innocence,
and to manage the impression of others who might otherwise have their number.
If the denial is strong enough, a good neurotic might be successfully manipulated into second-guessing
himself. Manipulators often won’t admit when they’ve done something wrong, and resist looking at
any role their behavior patterns have played in creating problems in their lives. They lie to themselves
and others about their malevolent acts and intentions as a tactic to get others off their back. If their
denial is forceful and convincing enough, others will likely be successfully manipulated.
To believe that a narcissist is using denial as a defense mechanism is to set yourself up to be
manipulated and deceived. We need to examine the tactic of denial as something very different from
the psychological defense of denial.
Denial is not only an effective manipulation tactic, but it’s also a sure sign someone is not about to
change his or her way of behaving. A person who won’t acknowledge their wrongs in the first place
isn’t likely to feel any inclination to correct them. Habitual denial is the way many disordered
characters resist internalizing the values and standards of conduct that could make them more socially
responsible.
Denial as a defense mechanism is how the mind copes emotionally in the fall-out of a catastrophic
event, major loss, or with anxiety. The woman who finds herself suddenly widowed may deny for
awhile that her husband is dead. Or she may simply feel numb and unable to cry for weeks or months.
This is because she can't deal with all the emotions of loss and shock all at once. Denial as a defense is
how our minds protect us from overwhelming situations that we aren't equipped at the time to deal with
emotionally.
This is something very different from denial as a tactic. George K. Simon, "In Sheep's Clothing",
points out: "...this is when the aggressor refuses to admit that they've done something harmful or
hurtful when they clearly have. It's a way they lie (to themselves as well as others) about their
aggressive intentions. This 'Who...Me?' tactic invites the victim to feel unjustified in confronting the
aggressor about the inappropriateness of a behavior. It's also the way the aggressor gives him/herself
permission to keep right on doing what they want to do."
Mr. Simon sums up: "In short, when Jeff [a juvenile caught in the act of bullying] is denying, he's not
defending in any way, he's mainly fighting. He's not in a psychological state, he's employing a tactic,
and he's very aware of what he's doing. The tactic he's using is often called denial, but it's really just
another way of lying. And he's lying for the reasons people commonly lie -- to get out of trouble."
I am sure you have many memories flooding into your mind right now of the times the narcissist has
flatly denied their bad behavior, the effects of their bad behavior, and their bad intent behind the bad
behavior. You are remembering how they managed to turn the whole situation around so that you were
made to feel like you were the aggressor for not believing their denial...their lie. They put on their
sweet angel face and deny, deny, deny until you lose the will to continue the fight. For that is what this

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