falling with each intake of air . Such was the depth of his oblivion . His eyelids fluttered as he stirred in his sleep , the sun ray sprayed against his freckles . I watched him as he blinked , adjusting to the welcoming morning .
' Good morning ,' he smiled , noticing me staring .
' How are you feeling ?' I asked , perching myself on an old rocking chair . ‘ Good , but a little bit thirsty .’ He answered with ease as I passed him a drink of water .
I watched him as he put the glass to his lips , the water swished inside the clear glass as his hands shook . I remembered how at first no one except his mother thought Chang handsome as a boy . He was just skinny and his cheek bones gave him a skeletal look . But by his teenage years , he had grown into those features and as he aged , he became all more striking . I always thought that it was because with every passing year , more of his inner beauty showed on his face , the intimidating gaze softened and there was gentleness in his smile .
‘ Cho ?’ his voice breaking through my trance , ‘ Can you reach inside my bag please ? There ' s a pouch there .’
Gingerly I opened the clasp on his leather bag , my fingers glazed over foreign objects until I felt the soft velvet .
Seeing that I retrieved his pouch , he said , ‘ Open it .’
His eyes never left mine as I turned the pouch on my palm . And there , dropping out from the velvet , sitting in the curve of my hand , were seeds .
‘ What are these ?’ I asked , picking up one to examine . ‘ I saw the most beautiful flowers on the river bank where the army took shelter . They smelt like caramel and looked like giant turnips .’ He mused . ‘ I thought of you - You always love big flowers .’
I left the ward with those very seeds nestled in my fist . He seemed well enough , or he tried to , at least . He thought I didn ' t know , but I saw it in his eyes . I saw it when his hands shook , struggling to hold the thin glass . I saw it when he shifted in his seat , the decades of battles had done its damage . I saw his eyes , the unchanging hues of chocolate , the chocolate that melted at the slightest touch from love . But that chocolate could also grow cold from the reality that is this world , a world of arrows and bullets .
Shanghai 2017
The funeral was coming to an end , everyone stood in salute as they passed the coffin whispering last words of peace . As I neared the altar , Mrs Chang beckoned me forward . ' Cho , when I was clearing his room , I found a box . It was his father ' s and then it became his . ' She sniffed , wiping away a stray tear .' I found a letter inside , addressed to you . Here , I didn ' t open it .' Taking the tea-stained envelope from Mrs Chang ' s shaky hands , I gave her a hug and told her I would come by for dinner .
The letter was marked with scrawny handwriting , the splotchy ink making it hard to read . He must have written this in his last days , I realised , acknowledging the quiet breaking of my heart . My hands trembled as I opened the envelope . He didn ' t write much , only a few lines scattered across the yellowish parchment .
You can survive it , he wrote , And that ' s all I want . You can find your own place in this world with your strength alone .... Cho , star of my heart , be brave . I saw terrible things on the march , and did unspeakable things . Do not mourn my death , dearest . It is what I deserved . Farewell , my angel . Go back to your garden . Plant your seeds , watch them grow . If more of us valued cheers and songs above hoarded gold , it would be a merrier world .'
A teardrop rolled down my cheek as I brushed my fingers across the places where the pen had made indentions .
He was so young , I murmured as tears stung my eyes . So young .
I reached into my pocket , caressing the tiny seeds . I stayed seated under the sunlight for the full hour , going